Next Steps...

In an effort to keep this as real as possible and as honest with you guys as possible I wanted to share what has been going on with me over the past few weeks. You know about the miscarriage and all and that I have had a hard time mentally. I have finally decided to seek help with whatever mentally I am going through. It is through the urging of friends and family, especially my husband because I am not getting any better. If anything I am more distant and just keeping more to myself.

I am pretty sure I have some sort of postpartum depression or PTSD. But I don't feel right. I know that for sure and it is time to talk to someone to help me work through this. What made me realize that something was wrong is I have a major feeling of disconnect. I look forward to the times in the day that I get to myself so I can just watch a TV show or go into my books and escape from reality. I also have been more overwhelmed and I am quick to lose my cool with the kids. I already have a short fuse being a red head and all but I am having to rein in my frustrations a lot more than usual.

But the thing that is worrying my family the most is the disconnect. I can hardly handle touch sometimes. My skin just crawls and I should never feel like that. Speaking of skin, I have major body dysmorphia going on as well. Where I am just body slamming my body because it is a constant reminder that I am no longer pregnant. All I see is my bell that is sticking out too much for no excuse now. There is no baby in there. I gained too much weight I keep thinking, while I actually on gained 5 lbs.the first 3 months of pregnancy.  That's it. But all I see is frustration in myself and the fact that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin or my clothing. And now the though of how in the heck am I going to lose all this weight!

So now I am looking for a counselor to speak with to help me through this. I have worked with one other counselor before a few years ago. And it helped. For the most part. But this, I don't really know where to begin. I feel like I have too many problems going on. So it will be interesting with how it goes and how long I will see them. But I am getting the help that I need. And want. Thanks for listening friends!

If you missed my previous posts about my miscarriage, you can view them here:

Our Loss

Blessing In Disguise

Make You Or Break You: Emotions of a miscarriage

It's Running Time...Almost

~Whew! I need to look into a wrinkle cream because I am looking my age! Unintentional photo bomb by Mason!~

Yesterday I got the all clear to start normal activities again. Doc is happy with my physical progress and says that everyday will get better with the mental progress. But there will still be good days and bad days.

I told him about my cleaning frenzy and how that is how I am getting my anger/frustrations out. He said to divide up the energy towards cleaning the house and running/exercising. Funny thing, most of  my appointments are spent talking races. My doc casually says today, "I think I am going to do the park to park race this weekend just for fun..." Yeah cause running a whole marathon takes no effort at all. My doc is pretty awesome because he will be up most the night delivering babies and wake up at 5 am to do an 18 mile run, for fun. And he needs the break to clear his head too I guess.

He encouraged me to keep signing up for races and just to keep on doing it. He loves that I enjoy running and thinks it is just an overall great thing for me to do. However, I am still a little anemic so for the next 2 weeks he said light exercise. No sprinting exercises (like I do that anyway!) And that if I get light headed, dizzy or out of breath than I am pushing too hard. Here is to 2 weeks of light exercise then off I go. I have got to get run ready for the woman's 4 miler training program that begins in like 6 weeks! EEK! Oh and I decided that I will be running my 2nd half marathon this fall. So my training will ultimately be for the 1/2 in November. YEA! Start the countdown to kicking my own butt!

~Pix above is me excited about getting to get back to it and not be stuck in my house! I also did my hair differently. I have never curled it like this (excpet for family pictures) but I thought I would try something new. I didn't get it cut. Honestly, I need a change and I don't want to cut it and I am getting to that awkward "funky length phase" for growing out my hair! So what do you think on the hair? Yea or Nay???~

Infertility Awareness Week

We are currently in the middle of infertility awareness week and I have had a hard time getting up the strength to continue to talk about it at this time. I have been pretty open, but to be honest I am still learning to cope with what I went through. Multiple miscarriages is still considered infertility problems.

I am talking with others and trying to work through my feeling and emotions. I am keeping a journal right now that is just an ongoing non stop journal. I have titled it The Ramblings After A Miscarriage. I just recently showed it to my hubs and had him read it.

But yesterday evening just before I put the kids down for bed. I read this article. I couldn't even get through it without balling. I tried reading it out loud for Matt to hear and I just lost it. It pretty much sums up what I needed to hear right now. Especially the Create Space section.

I have had it in my mind that by such and such a date I should be all better. No more bleeding, no more running out of energy. No more dizzy spells or getting out of breath. And learning to deal with what I have already been through before. I put this time table on WHEN I SHOULD FEEL NORMAL. And honestly, I am past that "date" and I am frustrated. I am done feeling weak, broken. I just want to be normal but I still need time. Mentally and physically. It sucks. But there it is. It just takes time.

So please read this article to show your support for Infertility Awareness Week. Let me know what you think in the comments below! 

Please know I am so grateful for all of your support through prayers and emails or messages I have received. It has meant to so much to me. You are all amazing!

Never Been Cleaner

Per Matt, our house has never been cleaner! He has noticed (he actually noticed!) that our kitchen is getting cleaned/scrubbed every night for the past couple of weeks. The beds are getting made. Mason is picking up his toys more. The house is just clean and feels cleaner.

I have been keeping a journal and I realized the other night that I am using cleaning as my "outlet" for my frustrations. I have always known that when I get frustrated I clean. And man I am using cleaning as my way to take control of my life and just control what I am doing and what I can do.

Since I am limited in my exercise ability and actual ability to breath easily I am busting my butt cleaning my house.

Not just that, but having other people in your home, cleaning your home kind of puts that into perspective. My sis in law did like 10 loads of laundry for us, cleaned our bathrooms, cleaned our house while she was here. I will forever be in her debt for doing that. We also had other friends in our house just coming over and straightening up our house for us. Doing the dishes for us and frankly I am trying to keep up the great work that they did! So huge thank you to everyone who helped clean our house and took care of us. You work was not in vain and I am doing a great job of keeping up with it.

And honestly it is easier to keep a house clean than clean a dirty house. (no time was taken away from the kids to keep the house clean. I try to do it after they go up to bed or during daddy play time with them)

Quiet Time For Moms Is A Must

I'm no expert on being a mom, I mean I am a mom, but there are days that I just feel like this:

But some days other mom's think my life is like this:

Most days I am just glad that I survived the day and I feel like I am seriously a Super Mom:

But my two cents on being a mommy, and a good mommy is to a) take care of yourself and b) take care of your kids which can lead to c) take care of the house! (The house can wait!)

As a mom it is so easy to get wrapped up in the whole, kids come first bit. And most of the time they do. But, BUT, mom's need their time too, otherwise they feel the strain and so will the kids, the hubs, the dog, and it can just explode sooner or later.

Mom's reading this, you know what I am talking about. THE EXPLOSION! Where we just have had it and can't do it and we find ourselves in the closet crying because we just need 5 seconds to ourselves. In Sex And The City Charlotte, after trying to many, many years to have kids, finally has one. And she is trying her hardest to be the "perfect mom" Making homemade goodies. An art project for her little one and trying to look perfect too. Her little one comes up with red paint on her hands and sticks her hands on Charlotte's beautiful white skirt! Charlotte then retreats into the pantry and cries it out for a second.

Guess what mom's! IT'S OK to take time for yourself. I have to or else I am a MOMSTER by the end of the day and that just ain't cool. Please do not think that I am perfect. Most days if you just stop by my house I am still in my pj's but that is how I roll. So here is my schedule for my Mommy Quiet Time as we call it in our house. (Because heaven forbid I call it nap time to Mason he will go on strike and that is not cool!)

7-8am- Shower and quiet time for mom. This is my morning, get ready for the day and have alone time before the house gets up and going. I have time to think, read scriptures and blog a little too. (I have actually started waking up an hour earlier to allow this time for myself and it has been marvelous! yes my kids sleep in till 8. Collin most of the time till 9. Not bragging but I trained them that way,)

12:30 on the dot- is Mommy Quiet Time. Both kids go into their room for quiet time. Mason goes in with gold fish and his tablet and he can either play on his tablet or sleep. It is his choice. And yes I totally embrace quiet time with his tablet because we have it set up to only allow certain apps to play for so long.

Collin is so ready for his long afternoon nap by this point. He has a 40 minute nap at 10:30 and by 12:30 he is ready to go down.

3:00- both kids are up and ready to get out. It is kind of amazing how it works.

8:00pm- Time for bed for the kiddos.

I trained Mason on this schedule, meaning that it took some time for him to get used to it. Collin just fell into the schedule since he has been born. Not everyday is like this but about 85% of the time it is. Sometimes, like yesterday, Mason will call out for me and wiggle the door asking to come out or get my attention but most of the time it is because his table froze up or he needs more snacks. (he is only allowed 1 snack now so that he has room for a snack later and for dinner.)

But seriously find some time that works for you during the day. Even if you have to wake up 1 hour earlier or even just 30 minutes earlier so that you get some you time. That is what it is all about. Exercise, take a shower, meditate. Try to find some time for you to be alone and just do your own thing. I promise you that it will make your life a little bit more manageable.

~Me, no make up and just having fun with the kids!~

So Long To Fast Food

How many of you guys keep a monthly budget? Do you stick with that budget? Over the past few months I have noticed that we were eating out more than usual. This pregnancy I ate out more often that I did while pregnant with Collin. Yes, I was way exhausted being pregnant and having 2 kids to chase after and frankly when 5pm hit I had no energy to think about dinner. AT ALL!

So my goal over the next 3 months is to stick to our budget. Stop eating out so dang much and get healthier meals in our BODIES! 

How am I going to do that? 

~Well, planning sure is one of those things. Thankfully with all the food we received from the miscarriage we froze a lot of the leftover to eat for later. So that helps. But also not waiting until 5pm to figure out what we are eating. 

~A new rule I have with Matt is, you eat what I make. Instead of me asking, "What do you want for dinner?" It is now. "We are having this for dinner." I know his likes and dislikes and I often will throw in some of his dislikes masked in a dish and he will eat it just fine. So no worries there. But like the other day, I made pulled pork. He likes dry rubbed BBQ. I don't so since I am the one cooking I make it how I like it. That also means left overs for me. 

Now I am going to just plan away and use up what we have in our freezers. Some days I am not going to want to cook and that is ok, but it is time that we just start having mac and cheese from a box or pb&j. I am seriously going to be tightening down on this. I have got to stop relying on fast food. It is not the best thing for anyone on a regular basis. 

(i.e. fast food in our house is: Panera, 5 guys, Chic-fil-a, Tropical Smoothie Cafe or Subway. It is not other common fast foods so it isn't too bad for us...At least that is what I keep telling myself.) 

So with that said, I wanted to share an awesome and super easy recipe that I got from my sister in law while we were visiting her for Easter. 

Green Tomatillo Enchiladas:

1 package of Chicken Tenders

1 12 oz jar tomatillo salsa ( I used Trader Joe's Verde Salsa) 

1/2 block cream cheese

1 Tablespoon sugar

Splash of chicken stock

8 tortillas softened

1/2 small block tillamook cheddar cheese or pepper jack would be awesome! 

cilantro to garnish

sour cream and tomatoes on side  (optional)

Pour Verde Salsa over chicken tenders in a crock pot. Cook on high for 1-2 hours. 

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Once cooked, shred chicken. Reserve sauce and put in blender and combine with cream cheese, sugar and stock. You want it to be a little thick. 

Pour some sauce, about 1/4 cup, on a plate and dip each tortilla before you assemble the enchilada. Add the rest of the sauce to the shredded chicken. Add 1-2 Tablespoons of the saucy chicken to the tortillas and roll it up and place in a 9x13 pan. Continue until all tortillas used or saucy chicken is all gone. Pour remaining sauce over top of rolled enchiladas. Top with cheddar. 

Place in oven for about 15 min or cheese is fully melted. Serve with a side of black beans and rice.

Super easy. Way easier than I thought it would be. Enjoy! 

Spring Break Project

I had originally planned on painting my bedroom and bathroom but since I am still recovering and have to take things slower, I just did my bathroom. I will finish it up in the next couple of weeks because I didn't get to the commode closet that we have. So just a little bit left but the main part of the bathroom is DONE! YEA!

And I really love this blue! It actually matches the blue in our bedspread pretty well so we have some symmetry from the bedroom to the bathroom. Next on the list is for me to paint our bedroom a nice light tan color. I love spring break when I can get these little projects done. Oh and Matt was super impressed with my painting again. With how well I do with it. So kudos to me from him! Now time to get some beachy accessories!

Color: Benjamine Moore- Buxton Blue. - yes it is the same blue as in the morning room off the kitchen and in the kids cave. I had an extra can of paint so, waste not, want not!

I do tape off the room as well. It is easier. And taping USED to be my fav thing to do with painting but man it wore me out yesterday. So I don't think I like it so much anymore. Do you tape off the room before painting? Blue or green tape?

What did you do for spring break?

Waiting Game

~Tick tock goes the clock~

2.5 weeks since my miscarriage and I feel like I am just in a constant state of waiting. Waiting to feel better. Waiting to finally start exercising. Waiting to just feel NORMAL!

Recovery update: 2 days ago is when I finally feel like I am feeling somewhat "normal" again. I still get a little dizzy if I do too much too quickly. I am basically doing normal activities and household chores again, but at a much slower pace. I have to make myself remember to slow down. It is making my cleaning maybe a little bit more thorough though which is nice.

What I am doing: I have started adding in simple squats. Not a lot but just just like 3-5 at a time a couple of times a day. I am cleaning the house too which also burns calories. Oh and today, I am painting our bathroom. I had originally planned on doing our bathroom and our bedroom but scaled back to just our bathroom.

Don't worry about me. I am listening to my body and if it doesn't feel right. I stop. No questions asked. Oh and I am still drinking my green juice. (chlorophyll water)

I am hoping next week to start taking short walks with the boys around the neighborhood. This re-building blood thing is no joke! I am just thankful that I am here to do the laundry, clean the house and even paint my bathroom.

And a huge thank you to all that have helped us with words and emails of encouragement, advice, prayers, food, entertainment for our kids and even cleaning my house and doing my laundry. I am so humbled by all the loving support that we have received. Thank you friends!

Make You Or Break You: Emotions Of A Miscarriage

I really didn't think I would be able to talk about my emotional feeling this soon but I need to get them out there before I forget. This is my 3rd miscarriage (MC for ease with typing). I have now had more MC than live children and this one has by far been the worst of the 3. And not just with the actual MC (which that was the worst) but I have all these hidden feelings.

My first miscarriage I was at 6 weeks along. About 14 months after Mason had been born. I had only been pregnant for about a week. And I knew the reason why I had a MC. It was to show me that I could actually get pregnant again and that my system had been restarted. We were told with our fertility treatment that that often happens. Couples who had been trying for years (9 years in our case) suddenly became very fertile after they have a successful pregnancy. Yeah, it hurt that I had a MC but was so excited with the fact that I was "fixed" and we didn't have to pay thousands of dollars to get pregnant again that I was fine after that one.

My second MC was 6 months later. We found out April 1 and my hubs thought I was joking with him of course and he had just left to AZ for military training for 6 weeks. Of course I called the doc the day that we found out I was pregnant I was 5 weeks along. I had been taking tests all the week before because I was sure I was pregnant. I was but my levels were so low it wasn't registering I guess. I went into the doc and he had me do the blood test. And I came back 3 days later to do another blood test, then 3 days later after that and so forth. It was a month of testing just waiting for my levels to get to 1200. It was a month of good news, bad news and a roller coaster of emotions. Matt wasn't here. I ate my emotions through ice cream. I celebrated and drowned my sadness in ice cream that month. It was awful. Then I finally had my ultrasound. It was the 9th of May. There was no baby in there. Just the sac. I was so sad. I was devastated. Doc said that the sac was already elongating and that it was only a matter of days before it would have happened anyways. I reached a low point. I was so mad. Pissed. Hurt. Confused. Lost. I lost all faith in God. how could he do this to me? We were given a chance to have more kids, why was this taken away from us?  Mason napped so long that day and I just cried on the couch. I was alone. I felt alone for the first time in a very long time. I didn't feel like God had my back anymore and that I had done something wrong to be punished. I talked to my parents and they tried to reassure me. I was reminded of a talk from our semiannual  conference for my church. To re-read it. Which I did. (you can read it here too if you want) It made me stop in my tracks. It hit such a profound nerve in me that I realized that the one thing I could not do was to ever lose my faith. I called a church friend and they came and helped me through this day. My lowest day. I will never forget that talk. That is why you see the Hope on. Journey on. Picture. That is in reference to that talk that forever changed the way I see faith and a reminder again to never, ever, forget that I am never alone. 2 days later I had my MC. The day before Mother's Day.

I moved on. It took me a few months to actually forgive myself for what happened. Yep I still blamed myself for what happened. And seriously the day I asked for forgiveness is like the day we got pregnant with Collin. No joke. And he was born 8 days after Mother's day. A new happy memory to replace the sad one.

Now on to the 3rd MC. Right after I felt the pop, the doc came in and said that the amniotic sac was already protruding through the cervix, per the ultrasound and that a MC was imminent. I was devastated. We had known, even before getting pregnant, that this was going to be our little girl. And it was confirmed (with an 80% chance) the day before that this was our little girl. I had just accepted the fact that I was going to have 3 kids under 4 and I was so excited to meet our little girl. Now this was happening.

I started asking how could this happen. I even turned to Matt and said "we just saw her heartbeat. I am killing her. I murdered her." Yep that awful thought popped into my head and out of my mouth. I kept saying I was killing her. That she was just alive and now she isn't. I did this. I started weeping. Seriously weeping is the description I can best use because it was so sorrow filled and agonizing that I had to go through another MC again but the fact that she was alive and then she wasn't. I couldn't get past it.

Throughout the MC I just kept crying. I begged for drugs because I just didn't want to feel anything anymore. Including my feelings. They were heavy on me. But they kept denying me drugs. Saying I wasn't stable enough to have them. I didn't care. I just wanted to stop feeling. I stopped saying aloud how much I was hurting that I killed our little girl. Everyone kept telling me that I didn't kill her. But I wasn't listening. My rational side was gone. I was hurt. Confused. Angry. Scared. I finally got transferred and at the other ER I ask for drugs again, and was actually excited when they told me that I will be asleep for the surgery. I won't feel anything. When I woke up I cried with a nurse there about what happened. That it really had happened. I lost my baby. My baby girl. That I killed. It was my fault. I was then transferred down to my room.

When the night nurse came in. He asked my pain levels and such and asked if I wanted any pain relievers. Now I have done natural labor, no drugs twice now. I apparently can handle pain, but I was tired of feeling anything and I didn't want to hurt anymore. Especially emotionally. I asked for the good stuff because I knew it would knock me out. And it did.

That next morning I decided to "turn it off." To turn off my emotions. I couldn't handle them anymore. All I kept hearing was the fact that I killed her over and over again. So just like in Vampire Diaries I flipped off my emotions. (for them it is their humanity switch but it kind of was like the same thing. I just flipped a switch in my head and off went the emotions.) I couldn't talk about the fact that I killed her out loud. I told a couple of people over the phone about it and every time my feelings came rushing in. And freaking out my close friends and family that I told this to. One even said that it was Satin that was saying this to me. And that it was a lie. Part of me understood that but I didn't believe her deep down. I knew it was my fault. So I stopped talking about it. It was weird, I could talk about the MC without even shedding a tear. It was not natural. Odd. I spent all Sunday like this. Asking for more pain meds and my emotions turned off.

Monday morning came around and that is when my doc told me about the possible infection. Immediately I felt a weight had been lifted from my body. My whole body. It wasn't my fault. IT WASN'T MY FAULT! I just wanted to shout if from the top of my lungs. I didn't kill her. I still kept my emotions in check but it was a feeling of relief that I never thought that I would have. I almost instantly felt better. I had an understanding that this MC needed to happen to save my life. And that one day again I will have another baby girl and that we would both be healthy. What a blessing it was. I was okay with the MC. I wished that I didn't have to go through it, because there are things that happened during the MC I will never forget. And it was scary of course. But I accepted that this had to happen. It was God's plan and I needed to be at peace with it. I did feel at peace.

The next few days I was at peace. I know that only a couple of times I would start to blame myself again but I was able to stamp that down pretty quickly. I let my body heal. I needed to let my body heal. Then Friday night I realized that a week prior I had seen how healthy she looked. We found out that she was a SHE. I started balling. I cried myself to sleep that night. Saturday night. I realized that a week ago I was having the MC. I relived the entire experience in my head again and again. I balled my eyes out and cried myself asleep again. I didn't even know why I started crying I just did. Those hot and heavy tears.

I obviously still have some mourning to go through, because I was an emotional wreck on Sunday after writing this and here I thought I had accepted it. But I haven't. I am sure I will be crying for awhile because I lost a baby. Our baby girl. I am comforted by the fact that we can have more children. But not yet. Not for awhile. And that is okay. This loss is going to take me awhile to process and learn to live with. And that is okay.

I just have to keep letting my body heal. And maybe talk to a counselor or friends to process my feeling correctly for this one. And someday, when the time is right, we can and will welcome our little girl into our family.

Blessing In Disguise...

We have received more information about why this happened and how much of a blessing in disguise this actually was. If you missed what happen you can read my experiences with my 3rd miscarriage here. Crazy to think that it was a blessing but you will see...

Monday before discharge my doc came in to talk to us. Matt was there this time to hear all the lovely details. My doc repeated a lot of the same info he had told me, and I seemed better able to understand what he was saying and not so "out of it."

He told us how the placenta did detach from the uterus but not all the way. I passed the baby but not the placenta. I probably passed the baby around 11:30pm or so and continued to bleed until surgery which wasn't until after 1am. I started to hemorrhage because my body was trying to get the placenta out but it wouldn't release like it should have and I just had a gaping open wound that wasn't being able to close up. Thankfully I am a good blood clotter because I could have bleed out a lot sooner than I did. (I really think I was being watched over. It wasn't my time to go.) By the time I was in surgery I had lost 4 units of blood and it was still just coming out.

My doc said most people don't realize how lifesaving a D&E surgery can be. He stating again that I would have died before passing the placenta naturally, which is really freaky to think about for me and for my family.

My doc also mentioned that during the surgery that he noticed a funny smell to my placenta. I know that sound weird but that is often how an infection is found during surgery. My BFF K used to be an OR nurse and we were talking about it and it is a very pronounce smell that just isn't quite right. With the room as sterile as it is smells stand out. Doc is pretty sure that the reason why my placenta detached is because it was dying. It was infected. Therefore it was infecting the baby. Because it was so early in the pregnancy had I remained pregnant she wouldn't have survived, or would have had birth defects. And in regards to me the infection could have been a silent killer to me. I would have gotten really sick and they wouldn't have know to test my placenta for an infection. I could have gone septic and then also again, died from that. Or the infection could have infected my uterus and I could have lost it and lost the chance to have any more children. See what I mean. This miscarriage was a blessing in disguise. The placenta was sent to the pathology lab for testing and to confirm the infection but my doc is so awesome and knows what he is doing that we are pretty sure this is what it was. But we have not received the pathology report back yet.

What a strange turn of events. Obviously I have a guardian angel looking out for me and it certainly isn't my time to go just yet.

Oh and one more piece to the puzzle. Remember how I was spotting 2 weeks ago and that put me on bed rest so that I couldn't do the 10 miler. Doc said that had I had done the 10 miler, the placenta more than likely would have ripped more forcefully away causing a bigger hole. Mine ripped but not too much (remember the pop I felt). But had I been running I would have probably died on the course from blood loss right there. So HELLO, so glad I didn't do the race.

I have felt a weight lifted from me knowing this. And I feel ready to talk about my emotions I think. Give me another day or two to put it down but I certainly feel more at peace with what happened.

I have received an overwhelming response to Monday's post. I guess there just isn't a lot of miscarriage material out there. I have been thanked for sharing my story and for the strength that I have to relive it through writing it. But it needs to be done. I am so glad to share what I can. There is more to the miscarriage than I wrote but I wanted to spare people with the graphic details of the more unpleasant things I experienced. I pray I never have to go through anything like that again. But I am at peace now. I know that this was God's will and plan for me. This has helped strengthen me in ways I never knew could. And most of the strength I have felt have been from each of you. From the prayers to thoughts, it has truly been an amazing experience. Thank you friends for all of your support.

Our Loss

I am so sad to share with you that Saturday night I lost the baby. This is a very detailed account so if you don't want to continue reading stop here! You have been warned.

I have a lead in to it. As you know about 2 weeks ago I had some spotting. Baby was fine. No worries. We heard the heartbeat and it was fine. I asked the doctor. What do I do if the bleeding gets worse. He said that if something bad is going to happen that it is going to happen really quick. And we will know it.

I had my 13 weeks ultrasound NT scan to check for chromosomal deficiencies on Friday afternoon. SHE was just fine. That is right, the doc gave us an 80% chance that it was our little girl. We never saw anything out of the ordinary. I even asked him to look for why I was spotting the other week. Nothing. So I was clear to do a little exercise, or walking again.

Saturday, I volunteered at the Charlottesville 10 miler. If you can't join them, cheer them on! And then came home, rested and then started making a nice dinner for some friends who were coming over for dinner. Matt and I put the kids down for bed, they seemed extra tired a little earlier than normal, a blessing in disguise. And Matt and I went back downstairs to start cleaning up the mess from dinner.

That is when I felt it. Too much stuff down there. I ran to the bathroom and the bleeding wouldn't stop. I called a church friend and neighbor and before I finished saying, "C I need you to come over and help." She was already running out of her house to come over. She stayed the whole night with 2 kids who knew that something wasn't right.

Matt sped to the ER close to our home and we were admitted. The bleeding stopped for a little while. We waited for the nurse to come in a take my vitals and they tried to listen to the heartbeat and they couldn't find it, but I was feeling her kicking at me. So I knew she was ok. I got an ultrasound and the tech showed me right away her heartbeat and bouncing up and down. She was ok. Just fine. Then the tech did her job trying to find out what was going on. She kept commenting on how active the baby was.

We got sent back to our room and waited and waited. About 30 min later. I felt this POP! in my lower abdomen and I just started gushing liquid. I cried out because I couldn't control it and it frankly it scared the crap out of me! The entire ER staff came rushing in. The doc said that in the ultrasound they saw that the amniotic sac was already protruding down through the cervix and a miscarriage was imminent. And was starting. I started crying. FREAKING OUT is more like it. I continued to have these surges of gushes over the next few hours.

Before some of the gushes I would get a severe cramp and my ears would clog up. I started to feel dizzy and became delirious. My blood pressure dropped significantly and the docs started to pump me full of fluids to get my BP up and stabilized. I was begging for some drugs and they wouldn't give me any. I also was begging for water. I was so thirsty and I was refused that too. They said that they didn't want me to get sick.

I had 4 rounds of my BP dropping quite a bit and lots of blood. At some point I passed the baby, but they never told me when. But I was still bleeding quite a bit even after the baby. By the 4th BP drop they were getting concerned. They took my blood levels again to compare my beginning levels. I had lost 3 units of blood. That is a lot in their speak. They called my OB who they had been talking to and told him my blood levels. He requested that I be transferred to the main hospital to be examined by him, and possible surgery. Things were getting serious at this point. They did another blood pull before I left. Just as I was strapped up in the gurney for the ambulance.

I rode with lights and sirens to the hospital about 2o min away, it is faster when all the lights are green for you! Got to the ER at the hospital and was told I was scheduled for surgery for a D&E. Where they go in and scrape out anything that won't come out on their own. I got admitted by the OR people and went back. Got oxygen and don't even remember falling asleep. Next thing I knew I was in recovery. They told me that the surgery lasted 30 min, 15 min longer than I was originally told. And that I did very well.

My doc came in and said that I had a placenta abruption and that it is a very serious thing. Basically the placenta detached from the uterus. That is the cause of the gushing of blood. But not all of the placenta had detached. and that was very serious. When that happens, the uterus can not clamp down all the way and a large gaping hole is exposed and pumping blood out and won't close like it is supposed to. My doc said that by the time I got to surgery I had lost over 4 units of blood. (I later learned that is equal to 1/4 of all my blood in my body and is quite a bit!) And had I not had the surgery when I did, I might not have made it. He saved my life.

Fast forward to after. I was admitted as a patient to the hospital. When my doc came in the next morning. I had been having more dizzy spells every time I went to the bathroom and just felt weak and just out of it. I signed blood transfusion paperwork just in case I would need it. Never did. My blood work came back as severely anemic but not as bad as I was just a few hours prior. My body was building it back up on it's own. All day Sunday I was still dizzy if I sat up too long, or got up to go to the bathroom. I had a lovely extended stay at the hospital for another night for monitoring and getting released this morning to go home.

It was a very traumatic experience to go through. I left out some details about the miscarriage on purpose. If you are ever curious about that let me know and we can talk but it was so hard to go through that.

How am I doing? I am an emotional wreck. I actually found a way to cope with my emotions by avoiding one topic about the miscarriage of how I am feeling and basically flipped my emotion switch to off until I am ready to deal with what happened emotionally. I need to let my body heal. It is kind of a weird feeling being emotionally separated. Not to say I am not sad but I have had some pretty awful feelings that I just can't handle right now.

I have been grieving in my own way. My family has been grieving. My boys have been with church family all day Sunday and Sunday night. They will go with another family Monday as well. my church is really taking care of me. My sis in law arrives tomorrow morning after a red eye train ride. She will leave on Wednesday evening and that is when my mother arrives to help out for the next week. Including the church I am feeling very blessed and loved with all of the support we have received in this very difficult time in our lives.

I will miss being pregnant. I already feel hollow and empty. I had been feeling her kick for the last 2.5 weeks and now nothing. Just a flabby tummy where my belly had already started to expand. I will miss not having my little girl join our family in September as I was so excited for her to do. But someday we will have another child and hopefully it will be our little girl. Please forgive my lack of posts lately as I am deal with this. I thank you for sticking around and for your support. You love is felt 10 fold and it gives me strength that I didn't know I had. Thank you my friends.

**Update: We have received some new information on how this miscarriage might actually have been a blessing in disguise. Read about it out here.

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The "NO" Syndrome

Why is it that when you are told "NO" in doing something that it is the only time that you want to actually do what you are told not to do?

I feel like a kid. "Don't push that red button!" "Don't jump on your bed?" Seriously, my legs were burning all day yesterday to go running. It is so weird. Have I had this insane desire to go running the past week or so while my kids have been sick and I have been exhausted from taking care of a sick family? A little, but not like this. My legs last night were seriously on FIRE wanting to go running. And I can't.

I am ok with that because I want to do what is best for the baby. But I guess that my legs didn't get the memo.

So right now, running and exercise in general is on hold until the 20th until I have my ultrasound. It is going to be a long 8 days. At least I know that I still want to keep exercising. Maybe this is the turning point in my pregnancy where I will get some of my energy back and will be able to make it to the gym on a regular basis. This modified bed rest momma can only hope!

Just Roll With It

This pregnancy has been HARD! I have suffered from massive migraines, morning sickness, motion sickness while on exercise machines and just overall exhaustion. No wonder, I am making a baby, nursing another baby and trying to train for my 10 miler which is only 10 days away.

Sadly today, I was told that one of those things has to go.

I had some spontaneous spotting today. I was doing nothing. Just relaxing, as I had just told Matt. Needless to say it ended up with me going to my doc 2 days earlier than my regularly scheduled appointment for the week. I was freaking out. A crying mess. I can't go through another miscarriage. Is all I kept saying in my mind.

Thankfully my doc's office got me in right away. I didn't even have to sit out in the waiting room. I was sent right back. Doc did an exam. Noticed the bleeding. Then he said that my uterus is growing and has already popped out of my pelvis (I'm just shy of 12 weeks and that happens at 12 weeks).

Next came the doppler. We needed to hear the heart beat. Doc was listening. I reminded him about my tilted backwards uterus. So he did some pushing on my belly and then we heard this thump. Thump, thump. Like his hand knocking the doppler, but it wasn't. He said, "I think that is the baby kicking." Then a few more thumps. "Yep, that's the baby. Now where is your heartbeat little feisty baby!" Then within just a few seconds he found the solid strong heartbeat.

Doc said that I had a ruptured blood vessel and that since we heard the baby's heartbeat, and it was kicking that everything is fine. HOWEVER, I am on a modified bed rest. UGH! First thing I asked, making sure that the baby was fine, then I asked, "so no 10 miler this year." NOPE. And guess what. I am a little sad about it because I have been training my butt off for that run and have already run most of the course but for the safety of the baby and for me, it is just going to have to give.

10 days away from my big race I have been planning and prepping for since, what? Last summer. Is now not happening. I will be volunteering though. Helping out in anyway I can. Here is the thing, there are other 10 milers. I know I can do it now and I am kind of strangely excited to run the race, next year, or when it is right for me. But for now. Time to take it easy. Take care of my baby growing inside me and enjoy the fact that my baby is fine.

I am excited though, because in 9 days, I will get to see this feisty little one again with my next ultrasound. I will keep you all posted and can't wait to share the pictures then!

Thanks for reading along and following along in this crazy adventure of my life!

Snow Day...AGAIN!

Here we are on the 5th day of March and it is another snow day. What is cool about it is that Daddy even has to stay home from work. We might live across the street from his work but work said, "Nope! Stay home!" It is really nice because it gives him a day off since he won't have one this week due to military training. So we get a whole day to be together... The whole family! Stuck inside... THE WHOLE DAY!

Our snow days consist of a yummy breakfast, today we opted for Starbucks. And I usually try to make something homemade. Usually the yummy variety. And watching the snow fall outside. Mason loves to sit around and read books on my table from the Reading Rainbow App. Collin is just crawling around the house, exploring and babbling and standing up next to anything he can get stand up against. (Poor kid has a runny nose this morning thanks to his shots he got yesterday at his check up.)

That also means no gym for Matt, his work gym is closed. And you do not want me on the roads in snow to go to my gym, which is also closed. I am the driver that you should be scared of. I hate driving in snow. Scares me to death so I don't do it. EVER! Thankfully everything shuts down in this town when it snows!

(2 days ago before the new snow!)

Time to just relax, put on a good movie and chill with my family on this wonderful snowy day. So thankful for these days in my life. Later if we get enough snow Mason will go out sledding. Burn off some of his energy. One can only hope though.

Morning Sickness and Exercise DON'T MIX!

Here is what I am dealing with right now. Getting motion sickness on the treadmill or elliptical from my morning sickness. UGH! How awful is that. This past Saturday I was supposed to do 8.5 miles. Things didn't quite go as planned.

Matt was being super awesome this past Saturday and let me sleep in. And then he kicked me out of the house around 10 to go to the gym, since I hadn't made it there all week since Mason had pink eye. I ate a good typical breakfast before heading to the gym, and that was probably why I got sick. I normally don't eat eggs and toast before I go on a long run or before races. I eat a banana and cereal bar and drink a ton of water. That is my Saturday morning regime. I then eat a bigger breakfast after my run.

I headed off to the gym and found a treadmill. The place was packed. Around mile 2.5 I started to feel a little off I wanted to get off the machine. But I kept going. By 3.5 miles I knew I was toast and forced myself to make it to an even 4 miles. I puked in my mouth a couple of times during that last .5 miles but I did it. Sadly, I didn't get my long run in, and it was supposed to be my last BIG long run before my 10 miler in 3 weeks. So this Saturday I have to do at least 8 miles to make up for my lack of milage from this past Sat.

I even came home and rested for a little while then decided to try an in home walking DVD I have. I couldn't even make it .5 miles without getting sick. My body just said NO WAY to me doing anything. I went upstairs and took a nap and felt better when I woke up.

I am 10 weeks pregnant now and I am looking forward to my morning sickness going AWAY! And hopefully it won't be that bad for the 10 miler where I will be 13 weeks.

Moral of the story. Don't eat a regular sized breakfast before a long run. And to listen to your body. There are going to be days where your body says NO! And you just have to listen to it. And it is ok! I still have 1 Saturday left to do 8 miles and still feel prepared to run in the 10 miler. I know I will do the 10 miler and be fine. I might not do it in the time I want to but darn it I will do it!

Love Rox 10k Race Recap- Richmond, VA

My FEBRUARY 2015 Race is DONE! This past Sunday I participated in the Love Rox 10k. There was a 5k and 1/2 marathon option too, but the 10k is what I needed for my training books and I just really like doing a 10k distance. It's not too short or too long!

~Our drive over, we got slammed with snow the day before!~

Saturday was packet pickup and we were snowed in and couldn't get out to Richmond to pick up our "packet". So I sent them a couple of email request for us to pick it up early Sunday morning, which was an option to do but they had said only with permission was it allowed. I received my confirmation emails at about 8pm, 5 hours after the expo closed.

We left our house at 6:15am on Sunday morning and made our way slowly to Richmond. Everything was still pretty icy so we were taking it nice and easy. We arrived at 8am and I ran inside the building to get my packet while Matt and the boys stayed in the van. I was so glad that we didn't drive all the way to Richmond the day before anyways to get our packet because it was just the bib and a shirt and that was it. They had a couple of vendors there but not much so if I did this race next year, I would automatically ask for Sunday pickup. It's an hour and a half to get there.

~Collin all bundled up for the cold! Cute little wave!~

Now it was just time to wait for my race to start which wasn't until 10. The 5k began at 9am. I ran back out and had Matt and the boys come in the convention center where it was nice and warm and there was a HUGE lobby where Mason was asking daddy to "race" him. Super cute. (Next time I do a Disney race, Mason will be doing the kids races!)

~Pre race fun~

When it was time for me to go out, I realized I forgot my earbuds in the van. Matt ran back really fast and got them for me, MY HERO!

The race started a good 10 minutes late. But what was really neat, I looked to my right and Mason and my boys were waving at me through one of the windows. It was super cute when Mason realized that I was outside and he kept pointing to Matt saying, "Mommy's outside!"

I was in the 3rd wave to begin. And then I was off. I was told by another person that the first mile was downhill. I was excited about that and I know better than to just go, but I am not going to lie, that downhill was pretty fun and I did a 12 min mile for the first mile. BAD BECKY! However, that first fast mile was probably my saving grace for the pace for the rest of the race. As we go to the low point of the course, along the James River things got icy and slick pretty quick. This is where I did a lot of walking. Being pregnant I did not want to risk slipping and falling. NOPE. So safety is the key. I actually really enjoyed taking in the sites of the old buildings and of the frozen James River. It was so pretty.

As we crossed our first bridge I started to run a little and walk a little. I tried to time myself with the lamp posts, and this became my pattern for the rest of the run. I chatted with another redhead on the way she has longer legs than me and her stride for walking was bigger so she passed me around mile 3, and I actually ended up tailing her until the very end where I finally passed her.

Next came the slow assent back up to the next bridge, where we had to stop traffic to run around a HUGE puddle. Again I was running 2 lamp posts and walking 1 at this point. And then the assent from the bridge back up to the downtown area.

The end of the race, my body was done. I was tired but could still go. I finally caught up to the red head and then passed her. Looked down at my watch and we had just passed the 6.2 mile mark and the finish line was NO WHERE TO BE SEEN! They had told us that the 10k people would have to run an a few extra yards to the finish, but my Garmin clocked the finish at 6.5 miles. UGH! So my official finish time was slower than I wanted and I can't use my time for the next Disney race. BUMMER! I was aiming for 1 hour 30 min finish time. I did the 10k in 1:32:32 but finished the race in 1:36:25. Mile 3 and beyond I was able to have positive splits so I am actually surprised and happy with that! Oh and per my Garmin I did the fastest 5k to date: 45:24!

My splits: 
Mile 1: 12:52
Mile 2: 14:53
Mile 3: 15:55
Mile 4: 15:28
Mile 5: 15:18
Mile 6: 14:45
Mile 6.5: 14:53

Avg. pace: 14:51 - 9 weeks pregnant

Life Is Never Boring

Wow! Life in the Allen home certainly is never, ever boring. We are dealing with our first attack of pink eye. Poor Mason has it and hoping that Collin and I don't get it either. No idea where he got it. But yesterday I had to tell all my students that he has it and everyone he has been in contact with, and all the other students I teach. And also deal with Mason and his goopey pink eye and grumpy sickness personality. Poor kid. So that is our happenings right now. I will have a race recap up at the end of the week.

They Grow Up Too Fast!

Talk about surreal! This past Monday, I toured a local preschool for Mason to attend this coming Fall. It was so weird knowing that a) he is going to be in preschool and b) looking at some of the kids in the classrooms that he was going to be in there. Learning. Playing. Crafting. Having fun. It has made me realize just how quickly these 3 years have gone and how precious they really are. I can't get them back. Ever. And even though Mason and I are butting heads like crazy right now, hence him needing to go to preschool, I still love him to death and love seeing how much he is learning.

Here are things that I am doing now to help prep him for his entrance into preschool:

(Mason at 5 days old) 

~I am reading to him every single day now. Multiple times a day. We were reading once a day on average but now we pull out the books many times a day. And they almost all happen to be dinosaur related. I am including daily reading of the Bible into our days too.

~ I just ordered this calendar set for him, which I will get laminated at Staple's and hang it near the kitchen table for him to use and learn from. We have been talking about the days of the week and the order they come in. He knows that Sunday is church day. And he thinks that Saturday is ice cream day. (not sure where he got that because we don't usually get ice cream on a Saturday.)

(Mason 1 year old) 

~Sing ABC's and make sure to count everyday. Mason loves to count how many eggs we have left every morning after I make breakfast. It takes a lot of patience from me to let and trust him to handle the eggs without breaking them, but I am working on that. He doesn't really like to sing and it is usually only at bed time at night that he lets me sing. So I try to throw in the ABC's before he goes to bed at night.

(Mason 2 years old) 

~Work on his alphabet puzzle more and have him` tell me the sound each letter makes and ask him to find various letters. Make it a search for the letter kind of game. Oh and when he wants into my tablet or phone he needs to enter in the correct number passcode. I tell him the number and he has to find it!

I will say I know I can be better at teaching him things. I don't really know how to teach a 3 year old though. Give me a 6-12 year old and I am fine. I know how to talk to them. So this is a huge learning process for me too. But together we are learning and I know he is super smart and a great listener, when he wants to be. If you have any advice for this fledging preschool mommy please let me know what else I can do to help this kiddo out!

(Mason 3 years old)

(Do you want to Build a Snowman melody) 

Do you want to go to preschool?

Do you want to make new friends? 

Learn to count to 10, 

sing and play

you will think it's great! 

You will learn to read and write

Yes, I know you will

You're such a smart little guy! 

Do you want to go to preschool? 

Wow! You are in preschool! 

Time flies by! 

PCOS and Infertility: My Story

After my recent announcement you probably wouldn't believe that I did suffer from infertility for 9 years. It is true. Matt and I were married in 2002 and by 2003 I was off birth control and trying to get pregnant. Mid 2003 we went to my doctor's office and they told me that the best way to get pregnant was to lose 10-15 lbs. Keep in mind I was not super heavy at this point. I had gained maybe 10 lbs by the time we had gotten married. I was upset. And talked with a friend who told me to go see her doctor who specialized in infertility.

I visited that doctor and took all the test and ultrasounds and on the ultrasound, there it was. The Ring of Pearls around both ovaries. The doctor went over my blood results and said that I had a hormone imbalance which made it difficult for my body to know when to release an egg. Basically, my body didn't know when to start producing the hormones to tell my body to make an egg and then when to release it. So all the eggs just started lining up around my ovaries. She also advised that PCOS is related with insulin levels. My insulin levels were fine. (and incorrect insulin levels can make you gain weight and make it more difficult to lose weight.)

She put me on some clomid as part of my way to get me to ovulate. The first month I ovulated but nothing happened. No pregnancy. The second month I had a cyst and we had to stop clomid for the month. The next month after that we took a break again. I was getting frustrated. We gave up for the time being. And moved up north to Flagstaff, AZ where I started seeing a new doctor who said he was a fertility specialists. WRONG! He gave me high dosage of Clomid and didn't monitor me. He diagnosed me by looking at me and said I had PCOS because of facial hair. I was on clomid straight for 7 months. And he had me take Metformin which is an insulin regulator. I had a ruptured cyst that put me in the hospital and my periods were the worst they have ever been.  And the mood swings, Matt wanted to volunteer to go to Afghanistan to get away from me. I am a red head, my temper is already pretty short so it was really BAD! Looking back I feel like I had a black veil over me. Everything was just tainted differently than it should have been. It was not good and that 7 months was the worst of our marriage. We fought more than we ever had and he didn't even want to touch me!

We gave up, in the sense of no more doctors at least for awhile. Still stayed on Metformin and started to gain weight. So this was 2006. By 2010, Matt was deployed and had a strong impression that we needed to find another doctor to get started on our family. A good family friend had gotten pregnant by a REAL Endocrinologist (hormone doc) and I called that doc. I met with the doc, told them about my experiences and that I REFUSED to go on clomid because it was so awful for me! The doc agreed and told me what he suggested. Regular monitoring and I was going to take hormone shots to jump start my body. Instead of putting a hormone into my body tricking it to do something (clomid) We were going to shoot me up with the actual hormone to make my body do something! I took some other tests to make sure that all the pipes were clean and working, and Matt was gone for 2 more months anyhow so we had a little time to kill. I did do one round of shots before he got home as a control to figure out dosing and make sure it even worked. Well it did work but not as fast as we wanted it to. So for the first "real" round my dosing was upped. I was getting blood tests very frequently, so much so I have a preferred vein I like to use and it is named "Old Faithful!" And every time I have to go have my blood taken I tell the vampires where it is at and that it is deep but works every time. Half the time I get stuck in the blind because they can't find it but it works every time, when they trust what I say and listen to me.

Anyhew, that round worked but I didn't get pregnant after Matt got home. I had to skip a month due to going out of town. The next month we decided to pair the hormones with my first IUI (inter uterine implantation) They take Matt's soldiers, clean them, and then implant them directly into my uterus using a catheter up there. The soldiers still have to "find the egg" as it were and do their job. Not an IVF where they take the egg from the female and the guys soldiers and combine them together outside of the body then implant the eggs back into the female for implantation.

We were going to find out on our Anniversary if the IUI worked. Sadly it didn't. We also had word from Matt's military that he was going to be deployed in October to Iraq. So we didn't have enough time by the time my cycle came around to do another round before a HUGE trip we had been planning on doing. So we did our HUGE 2.5 week trip to Disney World and then a cruise to the Caribbean. We had a great time. I got pampered by my husband. We went on 2 amazing tours of WDW and the cruise was more fun than we ever dreamed. I got massages and acupuncture while on the cruise. We found out that his deployment was postponed for the time being. YES! And the day after we got home my cycle started!

I called my doc and told them and they got me started on the shots by day 3. We were rolling. And everything was happing way faster and better than it had the other 3 rounds. By 2 weeks we were ready to go. Halloween I took my HCG shot to trigger ovulation, (ouch, that one HURTS!) and November 2nd was my IUI! 2 weeks later we found out we were pregnant with Mason! It worked. Since then I have had 3 spontaneous pregnancies. 1 resulting in another baby, Collin.

When I was doing the fertility treatment I was exercising and I had lost 35 lbs. I was below 200 when I got pregnant, just below but I was in the 190's range! I was running. Eating wasn't all that great but I was still learning what to put in my body. I wasn't eating the rights amounts or kinds of foods really. When I found out I was pregnant with Mason I stopped exercising because I didn't want to lose Mason. Worse mistake I ever did! And I started eating food again (I was on slim fast to control my calories.) I wish I didn't do that! And I didn't exercise prior to getting pregnant with my 2 next pregnancies which both ended in miscarriage. With Collin I was very active and stayed that way. Now I am trying to do the same, if my morning sickness will allow me!

What is cool though I had been told by my 3rd fertility doc; the one that got me to work, he said that sometimes when a woman with PCOS get pregnant and has a baby it can jump start her body to doing what it should be doing, regular ovulation and periods. I hoped it would and was surprised when it did. Now we can't turn me off. But you know what, I am amazed with my body that it is working and that I have 2 healthy boys and another on the way. I pray everyday that me and the Baby are watched over and protected and that if it is God's will that I can continue to carry the baby and have it part of my family.

I promise you that if you were told that you have PCOS you can still have children. It might take some time, but it can still happen. My advice to you, find healthy activities to do and a great meal plan and stick with it. It is good for your body and good for you when you do get pregnant. Just hang in there. I know how you feel. The sadness that you get when you see other people with babies. Or hear how so-and-so didn't even try and they now have 3 kids when you don't have any. Or the pressure from your family or religion to pop babies out. I get it. I was there for 9 years. Wishing, hoping and praying that I would have a child of my own. Never really thought that I would have 3 though after it taking so long just to get one. In the end, learn to love yourself, forgive yourself because you will be secretly mad at yourself because you can't be like a "normal" woman and have babies. And enjoy life with your partner. Babies will come.

My stats:
9 years of waiting
3 fertility doctors (1 real one)
54 shots in my belly
2 IUI's
6 pregnancies
3 live babies

****UPDATE 10/15/15
I miscarried pregnancy #5 on March 21st at just shy of 14 weeks pregnant. It was a very hard miscarriage and almost took my life because it was so traumatic. Hoping that we can get pregnant again soon though.

******* Update 9/29/16
I birthed a healthy 7 pound 5 ounce baby girl today! Elyse Cheyenne. She is my rainbow baby after my traumatic miscarriage last year. She had the exact same due date as my pregnancy last year and decided to make us wait and force her out. Born at 41 weeks 1 day.