google.com, pub-9368124760117160, DIRECT, f08c47fec0942fa0 Connect the Dots Ginger | Becky Allen: March 2015

Monday, March 30, 2015

Make You Or Break You: Emotions Of A Miscarriage


I really didn't think I would be able to talk about my emotional feeling this soon but I need to get them out there before I forget. This is my 3rd miscarriage (MC for ease with typing). I have now had more MC than live children and this one has by far been the worst of the 3. And not just with the actual MC (which that was the worst) but I have all these hidden feelings.

My first miscarriage I was at 6 weeks along. About 14 months after Mason had been born. I had only been pregnant for about a week. And I knew the reason why I had a MC. It was to show me that I could actually get pregnant again and that my system had been restarted. We were told with our fertility treatment that that often happens. Couples who had been trying for years (9 years in our case) suddenly became very fertile after they have a successful pregnancy. Yeah, it hurt that I had a MC but was so excited with the fact that I was "fixed" and we didn't have to pay thousands of dollars to get pregnant again that I was fine after that one.

My second MC was 6 months later. We found out April 1 and my hubs thought I was joking with him of course and he had just left to AZ for military training for 6 weeks. Of course I called the doc the day that we found out I was pregnant I was 5 weeks along. I had been taking tests all the week before because I was sure I was pregnant. I was but my levels were so low it wasn't registering I guess. I went into the doc and he had me do the blood test. And I came back 3 days later to do another blood test, then 3 days later after that and so forth. It was a month of testing just waiting for my levels to get to 1200. It was a month of good news, bad news and a roller coaster of emotions. Matt wasn't here. I ate my emotions through ice cream. I celebrated and drowned my sadness in ice cream that month. It was awful. Then I finally had my ultrasound. It was the 9th of May. There was no baby in there. Just the sac. I was so sad. I was devastated. Doc said that the sac was already elongating and that it was only a matter of days before it would have happened anyways. I reached a low point. I was so mad. Pissed. Hurt. Confused. Lost. I lost all faith in God. how could he do this to me? We were given a chance to have more kids, why was this taken away from us?  Mason napped so long that day and I just cried on the couch. I was alone. I felt alone for the first time in a very long time. I didn't feel like God had my back anymore and that I had done something wrong to be punished. I talked to my parents and they tried to reassure me. I was reminded of a talk from our semiannual  conference for my church. To re-read it. Which I did. (you can read it here too if you want) It made me stop in my tracks. It hit such a profound nerve in me that I realized that the one thing I could not do was to ever lose my faith. I called a church friend and they came and helped me through this day. My lowest day. I will never forget that talk. That is why you see the Hope on. Journey on. Picture. That is in reference to that talk that forever changed the way I see faith and a reminder again to never, ever, forget that I am never alone. 2 days later I had my MC. The day before Mother's Day.

I moved on. It took me a few months to actually forgive myself for what happened. Yep I still blamed myself for what happened. And seriously the day I asked for forgiveness is like the day we got pregnant with Collin. No joke. And he was born 8 days after Mother's day. A new happy memory to replace the sad one.

Now on to the 3rd MC. Right after I felt the pop, the doc came in and said that the amniotic sac was already protruding through the cervix, per the ultrasound and that a MC was imminent. I was devastated. We had known, even before getting pregnant, that this was going to be our little girl. And it was confirmed (with an 80% chance) the day before that this was our little girl. I had just accepted the fact that I was going to have 3 kids under 4 and I was so excited to meet our little girl. Now this was happening.

I started asking how could this happen. I even turned to Matt and said "we just saw her heartbeat. I am killing her. I murdered her." Yep that awful thought popped into my head and out of my mouth. I kept saying I was killing her. That she was just alive and now she isn't. I did this. I started weeping. Seriously weeping is the description I can best use because it was so sorrow filled and agonizing that I had to go through another MC again but the fact that she was alive and then she wasn't. I couldn't get past it.

Throughout the MC I just kept crying. I begged for drugs because I just didn't want to feel anything anymore. Including my feelings. They were heavy on me. But they kept denying me drugs. Saying I wasn't stable enough to have them. I didn't care. I just wanted to stop feeling. I stopped saying aloud how much I was hurting that I killed our little girl. Everyone kept telling me that I didn't kill her. But I wasn't listening. My rational side was gone. I was hurt. Confused. Angry. Scared. I finally got transferred and at the other ER I ask for drugs again, and was actually excited when they told me that I will be asleep for the surgery. I won't feel anything. When I woke up I cried with a nurse there about what happened. That it really had happened. I lost my baby. My baby girl. That I killed. It was my fault. I was then transferred down to my room.

When the night nurse came in. He asked my pain levels and such and asked if I wanted any pain relievers. Now I have done natural labor, no drugs twice now. I apparently can handle pain, but I was tired of feeling anything and I didn't want to hurt anymore. Especially emotionally. I asked for the good stuff because I knew it would knock me out. And it did.

That next morning I decided to "turn it off." To turn off my emotions. I couldn't handle them anymore. All I kept hearing was the fact that I killed her over and over again. So just like in Vampire Diaries I flipped off my emotions. (for them it is their humanity switch but it kind of was like the same thing. I just flipped a switch in my head and off went the emotions.) I couldn't talk about the fact that I killed her out loud. I told a couple of people over the phone about it and every time my feelings came rushing in. And freaking out my close friends and family that I told this to. One even said that it was Satin that was saying this to me. And that it was a lie. Part of me understood that but I didn't believe her deep down. I knew it was my fault. So I stopped talking about it. It was weird, I could talk about the MC without even shedding a tear. It was not natural. Odd. I spent all Sunday like this. Asking for more pain meds and my emotions turned off.

Monday morning came around and that is when my doc told me about the possible infection. Immediately I felt a weight had been lifted from my body. My whole body. It wasn't my fault. IT WASN'T MY FAULT! I just wanted to shout if from the top of my lungs. I didn't kill her. I still kept my emotions in check but it was a feeling of relief that I never thought that I would have. I almost instantly felt better. I had an understanding that this MC needed to happen to save my life. And that one day again I will have another baby girl and that we would both be healthy. What a blessing it was. I was okay with the MC. I wished that I didn't have to go through it, because there are things that happened during the MC I will never forget. And it was scary of course. But I accepted that this had to happen. It was God's plan and I needed to be at peace with it. I did feel at peace.

The next few days I was at peace. I know that only a couple of times I would start to blame myself again but I was able to stamp that down pretty quickly. I let my body heal. I needed to let my body heal. Then Friday night I realized that a week prior I had seen how healthy she looked. We found out that she was a SHE. I started balling. I cried myself to sleep that night. Saturday night. I realized that a week ago I was having the MC. I relived the entire experience in my head again and again. I balled my eyes out and cried myself asleep again. I didn't even know why I started crying I just did. Those hot and heavy tears.

I obviously still have some mourning to go through, because I was an emotional wreck on Sunday after writing this and here I thought I had accepted it. But I haven't. I am sure I will be crying for awhile because I lost a baby. Our baby girl. I am comforted by the fact that we can have more children. But not yet. Not for awhile. And that is okay. This loss is going to take me awhile to process and learn to live with. And that is okay.

I just have to keep letting my body heal. And maybe talk to a counselor or friends to process my feeling correctly for this one. And someday, when the time is right, we can and will welcome our little girl into our family.

Friday, March 27, 2015

Disclaimer

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Following and/or participating in my blog, daily workouts, meal plans, and any tips or advice is solely your decision. I recommend checking with your physician prior to following any of the workouts or meal plans that I share. I am very open in sharing that I am not a health care professional, or counselor. I am a certified personal trainer through National Academy of Sports Medicine (Rebecca Allen, VA, certificate 1180259578), and a Certified 2B Mindset Mentor and Ultimate Portion Fix Mentor. I provide the workouts, meals, and tips that have worked for me based on my personal experiences and training.

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Privacy Policy

Privacy Policy
Last updated: March 27, 2020
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Administered by: Us
Purpose: These Cookies are essential to provide You with services available through the Website and to enable You to use some of its features. They help to authenticate users and prevent fraudulent use of user accounts. Without these Cookies, the services that You have asked for cannot be provided, and We only use these Cookies to provide You with those services.
Cookies Policy / Notice Acceptance Cookies
Type: Persistent Cookies
Administered by: Us
Purpose: These Cookies identify if users have accepted the use of cookies on the Website.
Functionality Cookies
Type: Persistent Cookies
Administered by: Us
Purpose: These Cookies allow us to remember choices You make when You use the Website, such as remembering your login details or language preference. The purpose of these Cookies is to provide You with a more personal experience and to avoid You having to re-enter your preferences every time You use the Website.
Tracking and Performance Cookies
Type: Persistent Cookies
Administered by: Third-Parties
Purpose: These Cookies are used to track information about traffic to the Website and how users use the Website. The information gathered via these Cookies may directly or indirectly identify you as an individual visitor. This is because the information collected is typically linked to a pseudonymous identifier associated with the device you use to access the Website. We may also use these Cookies to test new advertisements, pages, features or new functionality of the Website to see how our users react to them.
Targeting and Advertising Cookies
Type: Persistent Cookies
Administered by: Third-Parties
Purpose: These Cookies track your browsing habits to enable Us to show advertising which is more likely to be of interest to You. These Cookies use information about your browsing history to group You with other users who have similar interests. Based on that information, and with Our permission, third party advertisers can place Cookies to enable them to show adverts which We think will be relevant to your interests while You are on third party websites.
For more information about the cookies we use and your choices regarding cookies, please visit our Cookies Policy.
Use of Your Personal Data
The Company may use Personal Data for the following purposes:
  • To provide and maintain our Service, including to monitor the usage of our Service.
  • To manage Your Account: to manage Your registration as a user of the Service. The Personal Data You provide can give You access to different functionalities of the Service that are available to You as a registered user.
  • For the performance of a contract: the development, compliance and undertaking of the purchase contract for the products, items or services You have purchased or of any other contract with Us through the Service.
  • To contact You: To contact You by email, telephone calls, SMS, or other equivalent forms of electronic communication, such as a mobile application's push notifications regarding updates or informative communications related to the functionalities, products or contracted services, including the security updates, when necessary or reasonable for their implementation.
  • To provide You with news, special offers and general information about other goods, services and events which we offer that are similar to those that you have already purchased or enquired about unless You have opted not to receive such information.
  • To manage Your requests: To attend and manage Your requests to Us.
We may share your personal information in the following situations:
  • With Service Providers: We may share Your personal information with Service Providers to monitor and analyze the use of our Service, to show advertisements to You to help support and maintain Our Service, to contact You, to advertise on third party websites to You after You visited our Service or for payment processing.
  • For Business transfers: We may share or transfer Your personal information in connection with, or during negotiations of, any merger, sale of Company assets, financing, or acquisition of all or a portion of our business to another company.
  • With Affiliates: We may share Your information with Our affiliates, in which case we will require those affiliates to honor this Privacy Policy. Affiliates include Our parent company and any other subsidiaries, joint venture partners or other companies that We control or that are under common control with Us.
  • With Business partners: We may share Your information with Our business partners to offer You certain products, services or promotions.
  • With other users: when You share personal information or otherwise interact in the public areas with other users, such information may be viewed by all users and may be publicly distributed outside. If You interact with other users or register through a Third-Party Social Media Service, Your contacts on the Third-Party Social Media Service may see Your name, profile, pictures and description of Your activity. Similarly, other users will be able to view descriptions of Your activity, communicate with You and view Your profile.
Retention of Your Personal Data
The Company will retain Your Personal Data only for as long as is necessary for the purposes set out in this Privacy Policy. We will retain and use Your Personal Data to the extent necessary to comply with our legal obligations (for example, if we are required to retain your data to comply with applicable laws), resolve disputes, and enforce our legal agreements and policies.
The Company will also retain Usage Data for internal analysis purposes. Usage Data is generally retained for a shorter period of time, except when this data is used to strengthen the security or to improve the functionality of Our Service, or We are legally obligated to retain this data for longer time periods.
Transfer of Your Personal Data
Your information, including Personal Data, is processed at the Company's operating offices and in any other places where the parties involved in the processing are located. It means that this information may be transferred to — and maintained on — computers located outside of Your state, province, country or other governmental jurisdiction where the data protection laws may differ than those from Your jurisdiction.
Your consent to this Privacy Policy followed by Your submission of such information represents Your agreement to that transfer.
The Company will take all steps reasonably necessary to ensure that Your data is treated securely and in accordance with this Privacy Policy and no transfer of Your Personal Data will take place to an organization or a country unless there are adequate controls in place including the security of Your data and other personal information.
Disclosure of Your Personal Data
Business Transactions
If the Company is involved in a merger, acquisition or asset sale, Your Personal Data may be transferred. We will provide notice before Your Personal Data is transferred and becomes subject to a different Privacy Policy.
Law enforcement
Under certain circumstances, the Company may be required to disclose Your Personal Data if required to do so by law or in response to valid requests by public authorities (e.g. a court or a government agency).
Other legal requirements
The Company may disclose Your Personal Data in the good faith belief that such action is necessary to:
  • Comply with a legal obligation
  • Protect and defend the rights or property of the Company
  • Prevent or investigate possible wrongdoing in connection with the Service
  • Protect the personal safety of Users of the Service or the public
  • Protect against legal liability
Security of Your Personal Data
The security of Your Personal Data is important to Us, but remember that no method of transmission over the Internet, or method of electronic storage is 100% secure. While We strive to use commercially acceptable means to protect Your Personal Data, We cannot guarantee its absolute security.
Detailed Information on the Processing of Your Personal Data
Service Providers have access to Your Personal Data only to perform their tasks on Our behalf and are obligated not to disclose or use it for any other purpose.
Analytics
We may use third-party Service providers to monitor and analyze the use of our Service.
Google Analytics
Google Analytics is a web analytics service offered by Google that tracks and reports website traffic. Google uses the data collected to track and monitor the use of our Service. This data is shared with other Google services. Google may use the collected data to contextualise and personalise the ads of its own advertising network.
You can opt-out of having made your activity on the Service available to Google Analytics by installing the Google Analytics opt-out browser add-on. The add-on prevents the Google Analytics JavaScript (ga.js, analytics.js and dc.js) from sharing information with Google Analytics about visits activity.
For more information on the privacy practices of Google, please visit the Google Privacy Terms web page: https://policies.google.com/privacy?hl=en
Advertising
We may use Service providers to show advertisements to You to help support and maintain Our Service.
Google AdSense DoubleClick Cookie
Google, as a third party vendor, uses cookies to serve ads on our Service. Google's use of the DoubleClick cookie enables it and its partners to serve ads to our users based on their visit to our Service or other websites on the Internet.
You may opt out of the use of the DoubleClick Cookie for interest-based advertising by visiting the Google Ads Settings web page: http://www.google.com/ads/preferences/
Email Marketing
We may use Your Personal Data to contact You with newsletters, marketing or promotional materials and other information that may be of interest to You. You may opt-out of receiving any, or all, of these communications from Us by following the unsubscribe link or instructions provided in any email We send or by contacting Us.
We may use Email Marketing Service Providers to manage and send emails to You.
Mailchimp
Mailchimp is an email marketing sending service provided by The Rocket Science Group LLC.
For more information on the privacy practices of Mailchimp, please visit their Privacy policy: https://mailchimp.com/legal/privacy/
Payments
We may provide paid products and/or services within the Service. In that case, we may use third-party services for payment processing (e.g. payment processors).
We will not store or collect Your payment card details. That information is provided directly to Our third-party payment processors whose use of Your personal information is governed by their Privacy Policy. These payment processors adhere to the standards set by PCI-DSS as managed by the PCI Security Standards Council, which is a joint effort of brands like Visa, Mastercard, American Express and Discover. PCI-DSS requirements help ensure the secure handling of payment information.
Stripe
Their Privacy Policy can be viewed at https://stripe.com/us/privacy
PayPal
Their Privacy Policy can be viewed at https://www.paypal.com/webapps/mpp/ua/privacy-full
GDPR Privacy
Legal Basis for Processing Personal Data under GDPR
We may process Personal Data under the following conditions:
  • Consent: You have given Your consent for processing Personal Data for one or more specific purposes.
  • Performance of a contract: Provision of Personal Data is necessary for the performance of an agreement with You and/or for any pre-contractual obligations thereof.
  • Legal obligations: Processing Personal Data is necessary for compliance with a legal obligation to which the Company is subject.
  • Vital interests: Processing Personal Data is necessary in order to protect Your vital interests or of another natural person.
  • Public interests: Processing Personal Data is related to a task that is carried out in the public interest or in the exercise of official authority vested in the Company.
  • Legitimate interests: Processing Personal Data is necessary for the purposes of the legitimate interests pursued by the Company.
In any case, the Company will gladly help to clarify the specific legal basis that applies to the processing, and in particular whether the provision of Personal Data is a statutory or contractual requirement, or a requirement necessary to enter into a contract.
Your Rights under the GDPR
The Company undertakes to respect the confidentiality of Your Personal Data and to guarantee You can exercise Your rights.
You have the right under this Privacy Policy, and by law if You are within the EU, to:
  • Request access to Your Personal Data. The right to access, update or delete the information We have on You. Whenever made possible, you can access, update or request deletion of Your Personal Data directly within Your account settings section. If you are unable to perform these actions yourself, please contact Us to assist You. This also enables You to receive a copy of the Personal Data We hold about You.
  • Request correction of the Personal Data that We hold about You. You have the right to to have any incomplete or inaccurate information We hold about You corrected.
  • Object to processing of Your Personal Data. This right exists where We are relying on a legitimate interest as the legal basis for Our processing and there is something about Your particular situation, which makes You want to object to our processing of Your Personal Data on this ground. You also have the right to object where We are processing Your Personal Data for direct marketing purposes.
  • Request erasure of Your Personal Data. You have the right to ask Us to delete or remove Personal Data when there is no good reason for Us to continue processing it.
  • Request the transfer of Your Personal Data. We will provide to You, or to a third-party You have chosen, Your Personal Data in a structured, commonly used, machine-readable format. Please note that this right only applies to automated information which You initially provided consent for Us to use or where We used the information to perform a contract with You.
  • Withdraw Your consent. You have the right to withdraw Your consent on using your Personal Data. If You withdraw Your consent, We may not be able to provide You with access to certain specific functionalities of the Service.
Exercising of Your GDPR Data Protection Rights
You may exercise Your rights of access, rectification, cancellation and opposition by contacting Us. Please note that we may ask You to verify Your identity before responding to such requests. If You make a request, We will try our best to respond to You as soon as possible.
You have the right to complain to a Data Protection Authority about Our collection and use of Your Personal Data. For more information, if You are in the European Economic Area (EEA), please contact Your local data protection authority in the EEA.
Facebook Fan Page
Data Controller for the Facebook Fan Page
The Company is the Data Controller of Your Personal Data collected while using the Service. As operator of the Facebook Fan Page (https://www.facebook.com/connectthedotsginger/), the Company and the operator of the social network Facebook are Joint Controllers.
The Company has entered into agreements with Facebook that define the terms for use of the Facebook Fan Page, among other things. These terms are mostly based on the Facebook Terms of Service: https://www.facebook.com/terms.php
Visit the Facebook Privacy Policy https://www.facebook.com/policy.php for more information about how Facebook manages Personal data or contact Facebook online, or by mail: Facebook, Inc. ATTN, Privacy Operations, 1601 Willow Road, Menlo Park, CA 94025, United States.
Facebook Insights
We use the Facebook Insights function in connection with the operation of the Facebook Fan Page and on the basis of the GDPR, in order to obtain anonymized statistical data about Our users.
For this purpose, Facebook places a Cookie on the device of the user visiting Our Facebook Fan Page. Each Cookie contains a unique identifier code and remains active for a period of two years, except when it is deleted before the end of this period.
Facebook receives, records and processes the information stored in the Cookie, especially when the user visits the Facebook services, services that are provided by other members of the Facebook Fan Page and services by other companies that use Facebook services.
For more information on the privacy practices of Facebook, please visit Facebook Privacy Policy here: https://www.facebook.com/full_data_use_policy
CCPA Privacy
Your Rights under the CCPA
Under this Privacy Policy, and by law if You are a resident of California, You have the following rights:
  • The right to notice. You must be properly notified which categories of Personal Data are being collected and the purposes for which the Personal Data is being used.
  • The right to access / the right to request. The CCPA permits You to request and obtain from the Company information regarding the disclosure of Your Personal Data that has been collected in the past 12 months by the Company or its subsidiaries to a third-party for the third party's direct marketing purposes.
  • The right to say no to the sale of Personal Data. You also have the right to ask the Company not to sell Your Personal Data to third parties. You can submit such a request by visiting our "Do Not Sell My Personal Information" section or web page.
The right to know about Your Personal Data. You have the right to request and obtain from the Company information regarding the disclosure of the following:
  • The categories of Personal Data collected
  • The sources from which the Personal Data was collected
  • The business or commercial purpose for collecting or selling the Personal Data
  • Categories of third parties with whom We share Personal Data
  • The specific pieces of Personal Data we collected about You
  • The right to delete Personal Data. You also have the right to request the deletion of Your Personal Data that have been collected in the past 12 months.
The right not to be discriminated against. You have the right not to be discriminated against for exercising any of Your Consumer's rights, including by:
  • Denying goods or services to You
  • Charging different prices or rates for goods or services, including the use of discounts or other benefits or imposing penalties
  • Providing a different level or quality of goods or services to You
  • Suggesting that You will receive a different price or rate for goods or services or a different level or quality of goods or services.
Exercising Your CCPA Data Protection Rights
In order to exercise any of Your rights under the CCPA, and if you are a California resident, You can email or call us or visit our "Do Not Sell My Personal Information" section or web page.
The Company will disclose and deliver the required information free of charge within 45 days of receiving Your verifiable request. The time period to provide the required information may be extended once by an additional 45 days when reasonable necessary and with prior notice.
Do Not Sell My Personal Information
We do not sell personal information. However, the Service Providers we partner with (for example, our advertising partners) may use technology on the Service that "sells" personal information as defined by the CCPA law.
If you wish to opt out of the use of your personal information for interest-based advertising purposes and these potential sales as defined under CCPA law, you may do so by following the instructions below.
Please note that any opt out is specific to the browser You use. You may need to opt out on every browser that you use.
Website
You can opt out of receiving ads that are personalized as served by our Service Providers by following our instructions presented on the Service:
  • From Our "Cookie Consent" notice banner
  • Or from Our "CCPA Opt-out" notice banner
  • Or from Our "Do Not Sell My Personal Information" notice banner
  • Or from Our "Do Not Sell My Personal Information" link
The opt out will place a cookie on Your computer that is unique to the browser You use to opt out. If you change browsers or delete the cookies saved by your browser, you will need to opt out again.
Mobile Devices
Your mobile device may give you the ability to opt out of the use of information about the apps you use in order to serve you ads that are targeted to your interests:
  • "Opt out of Interest-Based Ads" or "Opt out of Ads Personalization" on Android devices
  • "Limit Ad Tracking" on iOS devices
You can also stop the collection of location information from Your mobile device by changing the preferences on your mobile device.
"Do Not Track" Policy as Required by California Online Privacy Protection Act (CalOPPA)
Our Service does not respond to Do Not Track signals.
However, some third party websites do keep track of Your browsing activities. If You are visiting such websites, You can set Your preferences in Your web browser to inform websites that You do not want to be tracked. You can enable or disable DNT by visiting the preferences or settings page of Your web browser.
Children's Privacy
Our Service does not address anyone under the age of 13. We do not knowingly collect personally identifiable information from anyone under the age of 13. If You are a parent or guardian and You are aware that Your child has provided Us with Personal Data, please contact Us. If We become aware that We have collected Personal Data from anyone under the age of 13 without verification of parental consent, We take steps to remove that information from Our servers.
We also may limit how We collect, use, and store some of the information of Users between 13 and 18 years old. In some cases, this means We will be unable to provide certain functionality of the Service to these users.
If We need to rely on consent as a legal basis for processing Your information and Your country requires consent from a parent, We may require Your parent's consent before We collect and use that information.
Links to Other Websites
Our Service may contain links to other websites that are not operated by Us. If You click on a third party link, You will be directed to that third party's site. We strongly advise You to review the Privacy Policy of every site You visit.
We have no control over and assume no responsibility for the content, privacy policies or practices of any third party sites or services.
Changes to this Privacy Policy
We may update our Privacy Policy from time to time. We will notify You of any changes by posting the new Privacy Policy on this page.
We will let You know via email and/or a prominent notice on Our Service, prior to the change becoming effective and update the "Last updated" date at the top of this Privacy Policy.
You are advised to review this Privacy Policy periodically for any changes. Changes to this Privacy Policy are effective when they are posted on this page.
Contact Us
If you have any questions about this Privacy Policy, You can contact us:
  • By email: connectthedotsginger@gmail.com
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