Yesterday was a really powerful day for me. It started as any normal day. Getting up and getting Mason ready for preschool and breakfast made. I needed onions for my breakfast and started cutting into a nice huge onion. And then that familiar burning and stinging and crying happened from the onion. I finished chopping, washed my hands and just felt empty and hallow. And the tears kept coming and coming. I just felt drained. On the way home from dropping Mason off at school again I felt empty and hallow. I was grieving knowing that my due date was any day and it wasn't going to happen.
I knew this day was going to happen. At some point. I didn't know when or how or anything but I knew I would have a breakdown day. The tears kept coming and coming. Those hot and heavy tears full of sorrow and pain. I called Matt and told him I was having a bad day and I couldn't stop crying. 20 minutes later he walked in the door with a flower, strawberries and of course chocolate! (I have done pretty good though not eating the chocolate!)
He held me as I continued to cry. Normally when I am in pain or sad or crying I push everyone away. But not today. I let him hold me. Counseling has helped. I am letting people in! The tears didn't stop. I just kept crying. Anytime I thought I would be done I wasn't.
Matt picked Mason up from lunch and we had lunch. Kids went down for a nap and Matt sent me up for one too! Thankfully it was a Wednesday and I had my weekly counseling session. I didn't get ready. I didn't change clothes. I just went puffy swollen face and all. Talked through it. And felt lighter and so much better. I finally stopped crying uncontrollably after my session. Matt and I talked about my session and we just grieved together yesterday.
So thankful to my husband for just dropping what he was doing to take care of me. His work is so important but he still took care of me. I also realized that yesterday that I hadn't let all my feelings out. That I was still bottling them in and they just exploded yesterday. and it is okay!
Crying is not a sign of weakness. And for years I always thought it had. For me it just meant that I was holding too many things in at once and something had to give!
