Blessing In Disguise...

We have received more information about why this happened and how much of a blessing in disguise this actually was. If you missed what happen you can read my experiences with my 3rd miscarriage here. Crazy to think that it was a blessing but you will see...

Monday before discharge my doc came in to talk to us. Matt was there this time to hear all the lovely details. My doc repeated a lot of the same info he had told me, and I seemed better able to understand what he was saying and not so "out of it."

He told us how the placenta did detach from the uterus but not all the way. I passed the baby but not the placenta. I probably passed the baby around 11:30pm or so and continued to bleed until surgery which wasn't until after 1am. I started to hemorrhage because my body was trying to get the placenta out but it wouldn't release like it should have and I just had a gaping open wound that wasn't being able to close up. Thankfully I am a good blood clotter because I could have bleed out a lot sooner than I did. (I really think I was being watched over. It wasn't my time to go.) By the time I was in surgery I had lost 4 units of blood and it was still just coming out.

My doc said most people don't realize how lifesaving a D&E surgery can be. He stating again that I would have died before passing the placenta naturally, which is really freaky to think about for me and for my family.

My doc also mentioned that during the surgery that he noticed a funny smell to my placenta. I know that sound weird but that is often how an infection is found during surgery. My BFF K used to be an OR nurse and we were talking about it and it is a very pronounce smell that just isn't quite right. With the room as sterile as it is smells stand out. Doc is pretty sure that the reason why my placenta detached is because it was dying. It was infected. Therefore it was infecting the baby. Because it was so early in the pregnancy had I remained pregnant she wouldn't have survived, or would have had birth defects. And in regards to me the infection could have been a silent killer to me. I would have gotten really sick and they wouldn't have know to test my placenta for an infection. I could have gone septic and then also again, died from that. Or the infection could have infected my uterus and I could have lost it and lost the chance to have any more children. See what I mean. This miscarriage was a blessing in disguise. The placenta was sent to the pathology lab for testing and to confirm the infection but my doc is so awesome and knows what he is doing that we are pretty sure this is what it was. But we have not received the pathology report back yet.

What a strange turn of events. Obviously I have a guardian angel looking out for me and it certainly isn't my time to go just yet.

Oh and one more piece to the puzzle. Remember how I was spotting 2 weeks ago and that put me on bed rest so that I couldn't do the 10 miler. Doc said that had I had done the 10 miler, the placenta more than likely would have ripped more forcefully away causing a bigger hole. Mine ripped but not too much (remember the pop I felt). But had I been running I would have probably died on the course from blood loss right there. So HELLO, so glad I didn't do the race.

I have felt a weight lifted from me knowing this. And I feel ready to talk about my emotions I think. Give me another day or two to put it down but I certainly feel more at peace with what happened.

I have received an overwhelming response to Monday's post. I guess there just isn't a lot of miscarriage material out there. I have been thanked for sharing my story and for the strength that I have to relive it through writing it. But it needs to be done. I am so glad to share what I can. There is more to the miscarriage than I wrote but I wanted to spare people with the graphic details of the more unpleasant things I experienced. I pray I never have to go through anything like that again. But I am at peace now. I know that this was God's will and plan for me. This has helped strengthen me in ways I never knew could. And most of the strength I have felt have been from each of you. From the prayers to thoughts, it has truly been an amazing experience. Thank you friends for all of your support.

Our Loss

I am so sad to share with you that Saturday night I lost the baby. This is a very detailed account so if you don't want to continue reading stop here! You have been warned.

I have a lead in to it. As you know about 2 weeks ago I had some spotting. Baby was fine. No worries. We heard the heartbeat and it was fine. I asked the doctor. What do I do if the bleeding gets worse. He said that if something bad is going to happen that it is going to happen really quick. And we will know it.

I had my 13 weeks ultrasound NT scan to check for chromosomal deficiencies on Friday afternoon. SHE was just fine. That is right, the doc gave us an 80% chance that it was our little girl. We never saw anything out of the ordinary. I even asked him to look for why I was spotting the other week. Nothing. So I was clear to do a little exercise, or walking again.

Saturday, I volunteered at the Charlottesville 10 miler. If you can't join them, cheer them on! And then came home, rested and then started making a nice dinner for some friends who were coming over for dinner. Matt and I put the kids down for bed, they seemed extra tired a little earlier than normal, a blessing in disguise. And Matt and I went back downstairs to start cleaning up the mess from dinner.

That is when I felt it. Too much stuff down there. I ran to the bathroom and the bleeding wouldn't stop. I called a church friend and neighbor and before I finished saying, "C I need you to come over and help." She was already running out of her house to come over. She stayed the whole night with 2 kids who knew that something wasn't right.

Matt sped to the ER close to our home and we were admitted. The bleeding stopped for a little while. We waited for the nurse to come in a take my vitals and they tried to listen to the heartbeat and they couldn't find it, but I was feeling her kicking at me. So I knew she was ok. I got an ultrasound and the tech showed me right away her heartbeat and bouncing up and down. She was ok. Just fine. Then the tech did her job trying to find out what was going on. She kept commenting on how active the baby was.

We got sent back to our room and waited and waited. About 30 min later. I felt this POP! in my lower abdomen and I just started gushing liquid. I cried out because I couldn't control it and it frankly it scared the crap out of me! The entire ER staff came rushing in. The doc said that in the ultrasound they saw that the amniotic sac was already protruding down through the cervix and a miscarriage was imminent. And was starting. I started crying. FREAKING OUT is more like it. I continued to have these surges of gushes over the next few hours.

Before some of the gushes I would get a severe cramp and my ears would clog up. I started to feel dizzy and became delirious. My blood pressure dropped significantly and the docs started to pump me full of fluids to get my BP up and stabilized. I was begging for some drugs and they wouldn't give me any. I also was begging for water. I was so thirsty and I was refused that too. They said that they didn't want me to get sick.

I had 4 rounds of my BP dropping quite a bit and lots of blood. At some point I passed the baby, but they never told me when. But I was still bleeding quite a bit even after the baby. By the 4th BP drop they were getting concerned. They took my blood levels again to compare my beginning levels. I had lost 3 units of blood. That is a lot in their speak. They called my OB who they had been talking to and told him my blood levels. He requested that I be transferred to the main hospital to be examined by him, and possible surgery. Things were getting serious at this point. They did another blood pull before I left. Just as I was strapped up in the gurney for the ambulance.

I rode with lights and sirens to the hospital about 2o min away, it is faster when all the lights are green for you! Got to the ER at the hospital and was told I was scheduled for surgery for a D&E. Where they go in and scrape out anything that won't come out on their own. I got admitted by the OR people and went back. Got oxygen and don't even remember falling asleep. Next thing I knew I was in recovery. They told me that the surgery lasted 30 min, 15 min longer than I was originally told. And that I did very well.

My doc came in and said that I had a placenta abruption and that it is a very serious thing. Basically the placenta detached from the uterus. That is the cause of the gushing of blood. But not all of the placenta had detached. and that was very serious. When that happens, the uterus can not clamp down all the way and a large gaping hole is exposed and pumping blood out and won't close like it is supposed to. My doc said that by the time I got to surgery I had lost over 4 units of blood. (I later learned that is equal to 1/4 of all my blood in my body and is quite a bit!) And had I not had the surgery when I did, I might not have made it. He saved my life.

Fast forward to after. I was admitted as a patient to the hospital. When my doc came in the next morning. I had been having more dizzy spells every time I went to the bathroom and just felt weak and just out of it. I signed blood transfusion paperwork just in case I would need it. Never did. My blood work came back as severely anemic but not as bad as I was just a few hours prior. My body was building it back up on it's own. All day Sunday I was still dizzy if I sat up too long, or got up to go to the bathroom. I had a lovely extended stay at the hospital for another night for monitoring and getting released this morning to go home.

It was a very traumatic experience to go through. I left out some details about the miscarriage on purpose. If you are ever curious about that let me know and we can talk but it was so hard to go through that.

How am I doing? I am an emotional wreck. I actually found a way to cope with my emotions by avoiding one topic about the miscarriage of how I am feeling and basically flipped my emotion switch to off until I am ready to deal with what happened emotionally. I need to let my body heal. It is kind of a weird feeling being emotionally separated. Not to say I am not sad but I have had some pretty awful feelings that I just can't handle right now.

I have been grieving in my own way. My family has been grieving. My boys have been with church family all day Sunday and Sunday night. They will go with another family Monday as well. my church is really taking care of me. My sis in law arrives tomorrow morning after a red eye train ride. She will leave on Wednesday evening and that is when my mother arrives to help out for the next week. Including the church I am feeling very blessed and loved with all of the support we have received in this very difficult time in our lives.

I will miss being pregnant. I already feel hollow and empty. I had been feeling her kick for the last 2.5 weeks and now nothing. Just a flabby tummy where my belly had already started to expand. I will miss not having my little girl join our family in September as I was so excited for her to do. But someday we will have another child and hopefully it will be our little girl. Please forgive my lack of posts lately as I am deal with this. I thank you for sticking around and for your support. You love is felt 10 fold and it gives me strength that I didn't know I had. Thank you my friends.

**Update: We have received some new information on how this miscarriage might actually have been a blessing in disguise. Read about it out here.

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Wake-Up Workout

I love my bed in the morning, and on cool mornings like this I just don't want to get out of bed. So why not start your morning with a little workout right in your bed! Check out below to start your day right! Happy morning! 

The "NO" Syndrome

Why is it that when you are told "NO" in doing something that it is the only time that you want to actually do what you are told not to do?

I feel like a kid. "Don't push that red button!" "Don't jump on your bed?" Seriously, my legs were burning all day yesterday to go running. It is so weird. Have I had this insane desire to go running the past week or so while my kids have been sick and I have been exhausted from taking care of a sick family? A little, but not like this. My legs last night were seriously on FIRE wanting to go running. And I can't.

I am ok with that because I want to do what is best for the baby. But I guess that my legs didn't get the memo.

So right now, running and exercise in general is on hold until the 20th until I have my ultrasound. It is going to be a long 8 days. At least I know that I still want to keep exercising. Maybe this is the turning point in my pregnancy where I will get some of my energy back and will be able to make it to the gym on a regular basis. This modified bed rest momma can only hope!

Just Roll With It

This pregnancy has been HARD! I have suffered from massive migraines, morning sickness, motion sickness while on exercise machines and just overall exhaustion. No wonder, I am making a baby, nursing another baby and trying to train for my 10 miler which is only 10 days away.

Sadly today, I was told that one of those things has to go.

I had some spontaneous spotting today. I was doing nothing. Just relaxing, as I had just told Matt. Needless to say it ended up with me going to my doc 2 days earlier than my regularly scheduled appointment for the week. I was freaking out. A crying mess. I can't go through another miscarriage. Is all I kept saying in my mind.

Thankfully my doc's office got me in right away. I didn't even have to sit out in the waiting room. I was sent right back. Doc did an exam. Noticed the bleeding. Then he said that my uterus is growing and has already popped out of my pelvis (I'm just shy of 12 weeks and that happens at 12 weeks).

Next came the doppler. We needed to hear the heart beat. Doc was listening. I reminded him about my tilted backwards uterus. So he did some pushing on my belly and then we heard this thump. Thump, thump. Like his hand knocking the doppler, but it wasn't. He said, "I think that is the baby kicking." Then a few more thumps. "Yep, that's the baby. Now where is your heartbeat little feisty baby!" Then within just a few seconds he found the solid strong heartbeat.

Doc said that I had a ruptured blood vessel and that since we heard the baby's heartbeat, and it was kicking that everything is fine. HOWEVER, I am on a modified bed rest. UGH! First thing I asked, making sure that the baby was fine, then I asked, "so no 10 miler this year." NOPE. And guess what. I am a little sad about it because I have been training my butt off for that run and have already run most of the course but for the safety of the baby and for me, it is just going to have to give.

10 days away from my big race I have been planning and prepping for since, what? Last summer. Is now not happening. I will be volunteering though. Helping out in anyway I can. Here is the thing, there are other 10 milers. I know I can do it now and I am kind of strangely excited to run the race, next year, or when it is right for me. But for now. Time to take it easy. Take care of my baby growing inside me and enjoy the fact that my baby is fine.

I am excited though, because in 9 days, I will get to see this feisty little one again with my next ultrasound. I will keep you all posted and can't wait to share the pictures then!

Thanks for reading along and following along in this crazy adventure of my life!