Tuesday, June 9, 2015

4 The Wounded 5k

Now that I have had time to decompress over this weekend and pull myself back together a little bit I feel like I can fully write about what happened.

If you are following me on Facebook you probably already know some of what happened. But here is the whole story.

I have not run at all since before the 1o miler in March. I just didn't have it in me at all. I couldn't do it. I didn't want to do it. I was however, super excited for my 5k race at the beginning of June. It was the 2nd anniversary to my very first race ever! And I wanted to beat my time and I wanted to prove that I am still strong. The morning of the race I was feeling fine. I got the the location and I was feeling great. Super relaxed and just had fun people watching. I found my friend Jen and we were going to run down the hills and walk up the hills. Oh and she is 8 months pregnant. This course is all downhill for the first .5 miles, then you turn and have to come back up the hill for a good .75 miles. Then there is a turn off for a trail run or keep going up the hill for another .5 miles. Then down hill for the last little bit of it.

I knew the course and my goal was to make it to the bottom of the hill without stopping. I could do that. Well I did most of it walking just the last little bit. I was breathing too hard and I knew I had a hard hill coming up. So Jen kept going and that was the last of her silver skirt I saw! SHE KICKED MY BUTT at 8 months pregnant. So I started walking up the hill. The sun and humidity was beating down on me. I was feeling a little icky and by the time I got up the the area where the start/finish line was I was debating on not finishing. I was done. I didn't want to do anymore. But I kept going. Walking up that hill. The hill that never ended.

Jen said that the trail run was awesome and shaded and not that bad and you miss a big hill doing it. So I decided to do it. I needed the shade anyways. I was so pretty. And very muddy and slick. I just kept on walking. It was all down hill and took us around a little lake But before I knew it my trail walk was turning into a nature hike. What goes down must come up. Little ups and downs, then big ups and no downs. I haven't hiked in forever and my body hated me! I knew I was coming close to the end of the trail when I just had to keep going up and up and up. By the end of the trail hike I was breathing super hard and taking little stops to catch my breath. What was wrong with me? I have been working out everyday.

I cam up on the end of the trail and back to the asphalt that was hotter than I remember. I stopped to talk to my coach from the 10 miler and told him what happened and then I lost it. I had to go off to the side. I just couldn't catch my breath. I couldn't breath, started getting light headed and all panicky. Here I was on a 5k and I was having a mental breakdown and panic attack.

Mentally I didn't prepare myself for the race or what it would mean to me. It was my first race since the 10 miler, where that night is when I had my miscarriage. This is actually a big thing for me to overcome. I actually admitted out loud to a volunteer that I didn't think I could do it. But after a minute or two I pulled myself together and said I was going to finish. So one step, after another step and I just kept going. Not stopping. And before I knew it I could see the finish line. I ran it in with Jen, who finished like 15 min before I did. And right as I crossed ran into a friend from the 10 miler training program asking how my pregnancy was going. YEAH that SUCKED! Told her what happened and she felt awful. I said my  "see ya later," and kept going. I ran into some other friends from the Woman's 4 miler training program and I cried it out with them a little. But I finished the race.

This was the most difficult race mentally I have ever done. The half marathon, I knew that I just had to keep walking. I had no desire to stop because if I stopped I wouldn't be able to start up again. I never once admitted that I didn't want to finish because I HAD TO FINISH! That race was all physical. This race was all mental. And it wiped me out for the whole weekend. I got into a huge funk and it has been so hard to get out of.

But after yoga and a HARD workout last night I am doing so much better. I just needed to get my focus back. The race was an obvious trigger for me and I still have some PTSD issues to work through. But now I know what to expect and I can prep for it better next time.

I will say I am proud of myself for finishing because I really didn't want to. I wanted to give up, but I know I am stronger than I think. And sometimes I just need to push myself more than I ever want to realize just how strong I really am.

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