My Running Troubles

As you have probably noticed. I haven't blogged in awhile. I'm sorry that I left you all hanging. I have been deal with some hard stuff lately. And I finally decided it is time to get it off my chest and share with you what's been going on.

This blog was mainly started around me and my running and what running has done for me. It has since morphed into general health and wellbeing which is great but I have been so ashamed because I have been having such a personal emotional time dealing with my love of running lately.

I have major PTSD right now in regards to my miscarriage. I always thought PTSD was for people in the military or who have gone through other things in life. But never in regards to a miscarriage. But I do. And it is so freaky! I have nightmares of the day, I have flash backs. The scary thing for me  is I get panic attacks and get anxious when I think, talk or do some of the things that took place the day of my miscarriage. It is a real thing guys! I can't breath and I start to freak out. I look for a way to escape. I have been having panic attacks on my Saturday walks. I am usually talking with another lady and try to just let it be but 2 weeks ago I was looking for a way out. The "safety" car. By the time it came around I was better but it freaked me out that 5 months after my miscarriage this is still happening. I thought I would be better by now. But I am not. I am still working with my counselor and we are making progress but I am still working through it. Here is the thing though, I know that it was completely out of my hands and that I lost the baby but just things that took place are coming to light in what happened and how close I was to not being here. It is starting to catch up with me now. And I am coming up on my due date. So that isn't helping much either.

And it isn't just with running, I was cleaning up after having guests last week and I started getting all anxious and nervous because it was during cleaning up after guests that I started my miscarriage. I even get anxious at church and in other areas. I feel so embarrassed for feeling this way, and I find myself shamming myself. I should be better! It wasn't my fault But I am not. I am not always happy, and positive because I am human. I have been through very traumatic experience and it has made a huge dent in my life.

What is cool though is that I haven't given up on exercise or me. I still am doing my daily workouts, and I am clean eating. I am working on me mentally too to help me stay positive and see the good in all situations. And I don't have bad days anymore. I just have bad moments in my day which is so amazing! I just can't do running right now, and that is ok. I will get back into it. Will it sucks starting over AGAIN! You bet!!! But I have to work on me mentally first before I can put my heart and soul into something that I love, which is running.

A Little Perspective

I finally uploaded my pictures from my phone to my computer. There were a ton of pictures but these two kind of caught my eye. I forgot that I took a picture of myself after the miscarriage to show how white I was after everything and the blood loss. But here it is. 

On the left is me at 7:17am on March 21st volunteering for the 10 miler and on the right is me at 5:33pm on March 22nd. That night of the 21st I went through the absolute worst experience of my life. And almost lost my life. But here I am despite all of what happened, still smiling. Putting on a brave face. That's who I am. I find the good in all things. I was still alive. And I was thankful for it. 

I have come a long way mentally and physically since the 22nd. I don't blame myself anymore for the miscarriage. I am still learning to accept and cope with it. Can't do anything about it now. Just keep moving forward. But now I am taking care of my body and my life so that I am as healthy as I can be for the next time I do get pregnant. 

I am drinking a daily drink that fills my body with vitamins and minerals and superfoods that give me energy to keep up with my 2 beautiful boys. I am exercising daily for only 30 minutes. And I am reading personal development for both spiritual and mental well being. I am dedicating my life to helping others reach their personal goals and I am loving every minute of my life right now! I am still alive. And I am so thankful for that.

If you need that extra little bit of motivation in your life to reach your goals, no matter how big or small and willing to make a small investment in your health, just let me know! I am starting my next private fitness support group on July 1. I would love for you to join me! Comment below or message me. We can do this together! 

4 The Wounded 5k

Now that I have had time to decompress over this weekend and pull myself back together a little bit I feel like I can fully write about what happened.

If you are following me on Facebook you probably already know some of what happened. But here is the whole story.

I have not run at all since before the 1o miler in March. I just didn't have it in me at all. I couldn't do it. I didn't want to do it. I was however, super excited for my 5k race at the beginning of June. It was the 2nd anniversary to my very first race ever! And I wanted to beat my time and I wanted to prove that I am still strong. The morning of the race I was feeling fine. I got the the location and I was feeling great. Super relaxed and just had fun people watching. I found my friend Jen and we were going to run down the hills and walk up the hills. Oh and she is 8 months pregnant. This course is all downhill for the first .5 miles, then you turn and have to come back up the hill for a good .75 miles. Then there is a turn off for a trail run or keep going up the hill for another .5 miles. Then down hill for the last little bit of it.

I knew the course and my goal was to make it to the bottom of the hill without stopping. I could do that. Well I did most of it walking just the last little bit. I was breathing too hard and I knew I had a hard hill coming up. So Jen kept going and that was the last of her silver skirt I saw! SHE KICKED MY BUTT at 8 months pregnant. So I started walking up the hill. The sun and humidity was beating down on me. I was feeling a little icky and by the time I got up the the area where the start/finish line was I was debating on not finishing. I was done. I didn't want to do anymore. But I kept going. Walking up that hill. The hill that never ended.

Jen said that the trail run was awesome and shaded and not that bad and you miss a big hill doing it. So I decided to do it. I needed the shade anyways. I was so pretty. And very muddy and slick. I just kept on walking. It was all down hill and took us around a little lake But before I knew it my trail walk was turning into a nature hike. What goes down must come up. Little ups and downs, then big ups and no downs. I haven't hiked in forever and my body hated me! I knew I was coming close to the end of the trail when I just had to keep going up and up and up. By the end of the trail hike I was breathing super hard and taking little stops to catch my breath. What was wrong with me? I have been working out everyday.

I cam up on the end of the trail and back to the asphalt that was hotter than I remember. I stopped to talk to my coach from the 10 miler and told him what happened and then I lost it. I had to go off to the side. I just couldn't catch my breath. I couldn't breath, started getting light headed and all panicky. Here I was on a 5k and I was having a mental breakdown and panic attack.

Mentally I didn't prepare myself for the race or what it would mean to me. It was my first race since the 10 miler, where that night is when I had my miscarriage. This is actually a big thing for me to overcome. I actually admitted out loud to a volunteer that I didn't think I could do it. But after a minute or two I pulled myself together and said I was going to finish. So one step, after another step and I just kept going. Not stopping. And before I knew it I could see the finish line. I ran it in with Jen, who finished like 15 min before I did. And right as I crossed ran into a friend from the 10 miler training program asking how my pregnancy was going. YEAH that SUCKED! Told her what happened and she felt awful. I said my  "see ya later," and kept going. I ran into some other friends from the Woman's 4 miler training program and I cried it out with them a little. But I finished the race.

This was the most difficult race mentally I have ever done. The half marathon, I knew that I just had to keep walking. I had no desire to stop because if I stopped I wouldn't be able to start up again. I never once admitted that I didn't want to finish because I HAD TO FINISH! That race was all physical. This race was all mental. And it wiped me out for the whole weekend. I got into a huge funk and it has been so hard to get out of.

But after yoga and a HARD workout last night I am doing so much better. I just needed to get my focus back. The race was an obvious trigger for me and I still have some PTSD issues to work through. But now I know what to expect and I can prep for it better next time.

I will say I am proud of myself for finishing because I really didn't want to. I wanted to give up, but I know I am stronger than I think. And sometimes I just need to push myself more than I ever want to realize just how strong I really am.

Next Steps...

In an effort to keep this as real as possible and as honest with you guys as possible I wanted to share what has been going on with me over the past few weeks. You know about the miscarriage and all and that I have had a hard time mentally. I have finally decided to seek help with whatever mentally I am going through. It is through the urging of friends and family, especially my husband because I am not getting any better. If anything I am more distant and just keeping more to myself.

I am pretty sure I have some sort of postpartum depression or PTSD. But I don't feel right. I know that for sure and it is time to talk to someone to help me work through this. What made me realize that something was wrong is I have a major feeling of disconnect. I look forward to the times in the day that I get to myself so I can just watch a TV show or go into my books and escape from reality. I also have been more overwhelmed and I am quick to lose my cool with the kids. I already have a short fuse being a red head and all but I am having to rein in my frustrations a lot more than usual.

But the thing that is worrying my family the most is the disconnect. I can hardly handle touch sometimes. My skin just crawls and I should never feel like that. Speaking of skin, I have major body dysmorphia going on as well. Where I am just body slamming my body because it is a constant reminder that I am no longer pregnant. All I see is my bell that is sticking out too much for no excuse now. There is no baby in there. I gained too much weight I keep thinking, while I actually on gained 5 lbs.the first 3 months of pregnancy.  That's it. But all I see is frustration in myself and the fact that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin or my clothing. And now the though of how in the heck am I going to lose all this weight!

So now I am looking for a counselor to speak with to help me through this. I have worked with one other counselor before a few years ago. And it helped. For the most part. But this, I don't really know where to begin. I feel like I have too many problems going on. So it will be interesting with how it goes and how long I will see them. But I am getting the help that I need. And want. Thanks for listening friends!

If you missed my previous posts about my miscarriage, you can view them here:

Our Loss

Blessing In Disguise

Make You Or Break You: Emotions of a miscarriage

Training Begins

So I am saying that my training for my half marathon this fall begins yesterday! Yep, I am definitely thinking that I will be doing my 2nd half marathon this fall. And why start yesterday? Because I honestly think it will take me that long to get me in running shape. So sad, but I have to start somewhere and yesterday was that somewhere.

I went to the gym. Ideas of grandeur were in my mind as to what I was going to do. I was going to just walk at about 3.7 on the treadmill, like I always do, for 30 minutes. Then do 30 min of the elliptical.

Things didn't go as planned. I started at 3.5 for warm up and I could already feel it. My heart rate was getting high and making me out of breath. I then went up to 3.7 and used the heart rate monitor on the machine and my pulse was above 160. Nope. Time to slow it down. So I just continued at a leisurely 2.8-3.5 pace the whole time. Increasing the pace for a couple of minutes then backing it down for a couple of more. I made it 30 minutes. And just over 1.75 miles. But I was worn out. Sweaty and breathing like I just ran 2 miles. So my starting point. Walking at an 18:30 min mile pace. UGH! Hate that but at least I can only get better. And I skipped the elliptical. I did 30 minutes. I did well for my first day back.

Goals for this week. 2 days of strength training and 3-4 days of cardio. 1 day down only a few  more to go! Here we go! LET THE TRAINING BEGIN!

Infertility Awareness Week

We are currently in the middle of infertility awareness week and I have had a hard time getting up the strength to continue to talk about it at this time. I have been pretty open, but to be honest I am still learning to cope with what I went through. Multiple miscarriages is still considered infertility problems.

I am talking with others and trying to work through my feeling and emotions. I am keeping a journal right now that is just an ongoing non stop journal. I have titled it The Ramblings After A Miscarriage. I just recently showed it to my hubs and had him read it.

But yesterday evening just before I put the kids down for bed. I read this article. I couldn't even get through it without balling. I tried reading it out loud for Matt to hear and I just lost it. It pretty much sums up what I needed to hear right now. Especially the Create Space section.

I have had it in my mind that by such and such a date I should be all better. No more bleeding, no more running out of energy. No more dizzy spells or getting out of breath. And learning to deal with what I have already been through before. I put this time table on WHEN I SHOULD FEEL NORMAL. And honestly, I am past that "date" and I am frustrated. I am done feeling weak, broken. I just want to be normal but I still need time. Mentally and physically. It sucks. But there it is. It just takes time.

So please read this article to show your support for Infertility Awareness Week. Let me know what you think in the comments below! 

Please know I am so grateful for all of your support through prayers and emails or messages I have received. It has meant to so much to me. You are all amazing!

5 Minute EASY Chair Workouts

I can't do squats or lunges, it gives me that wonderful WOOZY feeling that I am just getting accustomed to, but I need to keep up the strength in my legs. Wanna see what I did today to help me out? Here ya go! No squats or lunges here people. Safe exercises that weren't heart racing cardio workouts that would make me pass out.

On a bright note. I can't bend over to pick things up. Does that mean that I just let my living room that is scattered with toys stay a mess? YEP! And I am ok with that. Thankfully today, Mason decided it was a good day to help me out and pick up all the toys. So thankful for his "good days."

Waiting Game

~Tick tock goes the clock~

2.5 weeks since my miscarriage and I feel like I am just in a constant state of waiting. Waiting to feel better. Waiting to finally start exercising. Waiting to just feel NORMAL!

Recovery update: 2 days ago is when I finally feel like I am feeling somewhat "normal" again. I still get a little dizzy if I do too much too quickly. I am basically doing normal activities and household chores again, but at a much slower pace. I have to make myself remember to slow down. It is making my cleaning maybe a little bit more thorough though which is nice.

What I am doing: I have started adding in simple squats. Not a lot but just just like 3-5 at a time a couple of times a day. I am cleaning the house too which also burns calories. Oh and today, I am painting our bathroom. I had originally planned on doing our bathroom and our bedroom but scaled back to just our bathroom.

Don't worry about me. I am listening to my body and if it doesn't feel right. I stop. No questions asked. Oh and I am still drinking my green juice. (chlorophyll water)

I am hoping next week to start taking short walks with the boys around the neighborhood. This re-building blood thing is no joke! I am just thankful that I am here to do the laundry, clean the house and even paint my bathroom.

And a huge thank you to all that have helped us with words and emails of encouragement, advice, prayers, food, entertainment for our kids and even cleaning my house and doing my laundry. I am so humbled by all the loving support that we have received. Thank you friends!

PCOS and Infertility: My Story

After my recent announcement you probably wouldn't believe that I did suffer from infertility for 9 years. It is true. Matt and I were married in 2002 and by 2003 I was off birth control and trying to get pregnant. Mid 2003 we went to my doctor's office and they told me that the best way to get pregnant was to lose 10-15 lbs. Keep in mind I was not super heavy at this point. I had gained maybe 10 lbs by the time we had gotten married. I was upset. And talked with a friend who told me to go see her doctor who specialized in infertility.

I visited that doctor and took all the test and ultrasounds and on the ultrasound, there it was. The Ring of Pearls around both ovaries. The doctor went over my blood results and said that I had a hormone imbalance which made it difficult for my body to know when to release an egg. Basically, my body didn't know when to start producing the hormones to tell my body to make an egg and then when to release it. So all the eggs just started lining up around my ovaries. She also advised that PCOS is related with insulin levels. My insulin levels were fine. (and incorrect insulin levels can make you gain weight and make it more difficult to lose weight.)

She put me on some clomid as part of my way to get me to ovulate. The first month I ovulated but nothing happened. No pregnancy. The second month I had a cyst and we had to stop clomid for the month. The next month after that we took a break again. I was getting frustrated. We gave up for the time being. And moved up north to Flagstaff, AZ where I started seeing a new doctor who said he was a fertility specialists. WRONG! He gave me high dosage of Clomid and didn't monitor me. He diagnosed me by looking at me and said I had PCOS because of facial hair. I was on clomid straight for 7 months. And he had me take Metformin which is an insulin regulator. I had a ruptured cyst that put me in the hospital and my periods were the worst they have ever been.  And the mood swings, Matt wanted to volunteer to go to Afghanistan to get away from me. I am a red head, my temper is already pretty short so it was really BAD! Looking back I feel like I had a black veil over me. Everything was just tainted differently than it should have been. It was not good and that 7 months was the worst of our marriage. We fought more than we ever had and he didn't even want to touch me!

We gave up, in the sense of no more doctors at least for awhile. Still stayed on Metformin and started to gain weight. So this was 2006. By 2010, Matt was deployed and had a strong impression that we needed to find another doctor to get started on our family. A good family friend had gotten pregnant by a REAL Endocrinologist (hormone doc) and I called that doc. I met with the doc, told them about my experiences and that I REFUSED to go on clomid because it was so awful for me! The doc agreed and told me what he suggested. Regular monitoring and I was going to take hormone shots to jump start my body. Instead of putting a hormone into my body tricking it to do something (clomid) We were going to shoot me up with the actual hormone to make my body do something! I took some other tests to make sure that all the pipes were clean and working, and Matt was gone for 2 more months anyhow so we had a little time to kill. I did do one round of shots before he got home as a control to figure out dosing and make sure it even worked. Well it did work but not as fast as we wanted it to. So for the first "real" round my dosing was upped. I was getting blood tests very frequently, so much so I have a preferred vein I like to use and it is named "Old Faithful!" And every time I have to go have my blood taken I tell the vampires where it is at and that it is deep but works every time. Half the time I get stuck in the blind because they can't find it but it works every time, when they trust what I say and listen to me.

Anyhew, that round worked but I didn't get pregnant after Matt got home. I had to skip a month due to going out of town. The next month we decided to pair the hormones with my first IUI (inter uterine implantation) They take Matt's soldiers, clean them, and then implant them directly into my uterus using a catheter up there. The soldiers still have to "find the egg" as it were and do their job. Not an IVF where they take the egg from the female and the guys soldiers and combine them together outside of the body then implant the eggs back into the female for implantation.

We were going to find out on our Anniversary if the IUI worked. Sadly it didn't. We also had word from Matt's military that he was going to be deployed in October to Iraq. So we didn't have enough time by the time my cycle came around to do another round before a HUGE trip we had been planning on doing. So we did our HUGE 2.5 week trip to Disney World and then a cruise to the Caribbean. We had a great time. I got pampered by my husband. We went on 2 amazing tours of WDW and the cruise was more fun than we ever dreamed. I got massages and acupuncture while on the cruise. We found out that his deployment was postponed for the time being. YES! And the day after we got home my cycle started!

I called my doc and told them and they got me started on the shots by day 3. We were rolling. And everything was happing way faster and better than it had the other 3 rounds. By 2 weeks we were ready to go. Halloween I took my HCG shot to trigger ovulation, (ouch, that one HURTS!) and November 2nd was my IUI! 2 weeks later we found out we were pregnant with Mason! It worked. Since then I have had 3 spontaneous pregnancies. 1 resulting in another baby, Collin.

When I was doing the fertility treatment I was exercising and I had lost 35 lbs. I was below 200 when I got pregnant, just below but I was in the 190's range! I was running. Eating wasn't all that great but I was still learning what to put in my body. I wasn't eating the rights amounts or kinds of foods really. When I found out I was pregnant with Mason I stopped exercising because I didn't want to lose Mason. Worse mistake I ever did! And I started eating food again (I was on slim fast to control my calories.) I wish I didn't do that! And I didn't exercise prior to getting pregnant with my 2 next pregnancies which both ended in miscarriage. With Collin I was very active and stayed that way. Now I am trying to do the same, if my morning sickness will allow me!

What is cool though I had been told by my 3rd fertility doc; the one that got me to work, he said that sometimes when a woman with PCOS get pregnant and has a baby it can jump start her body to doing what it should be doing, regular ovulation and periods. I hoped it would and was surprised when it did. Now we can't turn me off. But you know what, I am amazed with my body that it is working and that I have 2 healthy boys and another on the way. I pray everyday that me and the Baby are watched over and protected and that if it is God's will that I can continue to carry the baby and have it part of my family.

I promise you that if you were told that you have PCOS you can still have children. It might take some time, but it can still happen. My advice to you, find healthy activities to do and a great meal plan and stick with it. It is good for your body and good for you when you do get pregnant. Just hang in there. I know how you feel. The sadness that you get when you see other people with babies. Or hear how so-and-so didn't even try and they now have 3 kids when you don't have any. Or the pressure from your family or religion to pop babies out. I get it. I was there for 9 years. Wishing, hoping and praying that I would have a child of my own. Never really thought that I would have 3 though after it taking so long just to get one. In the end, learn to love yourself, forgive yourself because you will be secretly mad at yourself because you can't be like a "normal" woman and have babies. And enjoy life with your partner. Babies will come.

My stats:
9 years of waiting
3 fertility doctors (1 real one)
54 shots in my belly
2 IUI's
6 pregnancies
3 live babies

****UPDATE 10/15/15
I miscarried pregnancy #5 on March 21st at just shy of 14 weeks pregnant. It was a very hard miscarriage and almost took my life because it was so traumatic. Hoping that we can get pregnant again soon though.

******* Update 9/29/16
I birthed a healthy 7 pound 5 ounce baby girl today! Elyse Cheyenne. She is my rainbow baby after my traumatic miscarriage last year. She had the exact same due date as my pregnancy last year and decided to make us wait and force her out. Born at 41 weeks 1 day.

Shin Splints Recovery Tips

I have Shin Splints down the inside of the leg on my right leg only.

Now that I am picking up my milage and actually running more the dreaded SHIN SPLINTS have made their appearance. Oh yes, such a wonderful painful experience if you have ever had them.

Shin splints can be caused by a couple of things. Poor foot support, meaning you need new shoes and increase in mileage too soon for your body to get used to it. Personally my shoes are only a year and a half old and I haven't had too much mileage on them. I did have a baby and my feet changed while I was pregnant and I still have some excess pregnancy fat between my legs so I know that my stride is a little different and that has some to do with my current shin splints. But they are in the same spot they were a year ago. And that tells me, personally me, that it is just from a lack of training! I give it another 2 weeks of regular training to get my legs used to the abuse I am putting them through.

In the mean time here is what I am doing to help me recover from shin splints.

1) R.I.C.E, is the first step. REST, ICE, COMPRESS, ELEVATE. So after I run now first thing I do when I come home is stretch and try to foam roll, or rolling pin works well too. Then after a shower, I grab my ice pack and sit up on the couch, put some pillows under my foot and elevate my leg with the ice pack resting on it. I then put on a good show.

2) Get compression socks to help while running or exercising for support. Might as well get fun ones! Check out these from A-Swift.




3) Get a massage.When I am training hard I get my monthly sports therapy massages! It is part of your self care to take care of your body. Or use your partner to massage your sore muscles.

4) Take a hot epsom salt bath to soak your muscles. My favorite epsom salt is Dr. Teals Epsom Salt Soaking Solution in Eucalyptus and Spearmint. Not only does it help my muscles but totally relaxes my body and mind!


5) STAY CONSISTENT! Don't take too many days off in a row.Make sure you walk the next day to help keep your muscles limber

6) Stretch, stretch and stretch some more! They are tight because and need to be loosened up. A good stretch after you get back is key! My favorite post workout and run stretch it Pigeon Pose.

7) Invest in new shoes if you think your shoes are problem. Go to a Running Shoe specialty store to have them look at how your run and fit your foot with the right shoe. Go in with your running log and show them how often you run, where the pain is and such and they should be able to help you out too!

disclaimer- I am not a medical professional. Please know I am just giving advice that has worked for me in the past. If you have any questions please seek the help of your medical professional. Do not continue to work out if it is causing you too much pain. There is discomfort and there is pain. I am just in typical shin splints discomfort.

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Post Run Yoga

Now that you are starting to run, here are the best post run yoga exercises to help you stretch back out and keep you from getting too sore and tight! Run on! 

Be sure to follow me on FACEBOOK for more tips and tons of motivation during the day! See you over there!