Miscarriage: One Year Later

Well, I have made it one year since my placental abruption miscarriage. It has been such a emotional year. I had 6 months of weekly counseling to help me learn to cope with the miscarriage and everything I went through. Not to forget but to learn to cope. I still get flashes of what happened. I still have PTSD it is something that will be with me for the rest of my life. I just have learned to live with it now and not let the down moments or bad days affect me like they used to.

Also with this pregnancy, which has the exact same timeline and due date as last year's, I feel like I have been holding my breath up until this point. Today, this morning I finally felt like I could just take a deep breath and breath! (while hacking up a lung, stupid cold!) But I finally feel more at peace and comfortable with this pregnancy. I am putting my whole faith that we got pregnant again for a reason, and for it to be the same due date for a reason. It isn't easy but it will be worth it!

A few of things I have learned to help you cope:

~Reflection is a good thing. I still get flashbacks but dwelling on the sadness is never a good thing. Think about it. Process it. But then just realize it is done.

~Don't be afraid to move on. It is not bad to move forward. It is a good thing. Your experience will be part of you for life. Accept it.

~Get help. Find a counselor or therapist that you can talk to, to help you work through your thoughts, feelings and emotions.

~Share your story. With your spouse, family member or someone you are close to. Use them as your confidant when you need to talk. It's ok and a great thing to talk to someone who will be there to listen when you need them and you don't have access to your counselor.

Are you going through a miscarriage or have you? If you need help with learning to cope or just want someone to relate to you can read my story here:

Our Loss

Blessing in Disguise 

Make or Break You: Emotions of a Miscarriage

Building Red Blood Cells

You are so strong. As hard as a miscarriage is, you will learn to cope with it. Go on living your life. You will always think about the "what if" but over time each day will get easier!

Want more daily motivation and inspiration? Click here get free advice, support and encouragement + a free copy of my Clean Eating guide to help you get started on your health and fitness journey! 

Pregnancy After Miscarriage or Loss

So here I am, pregnant again. I wish I could be over joyed and happy about it. Honestly I wish I could. But sadly my feelings of this pregnancy have been, denial, fear, anger, frustration, sadness. I don't think I have really celebrated the fact that I am expecting yet. I mean, I can't even say "I'm pregnant," out loud. It's been, "another one is on the way." or, "we're expecting, again." but inside. yeah. I am scared. I am scared Sh**less! That's the truth. I am trying not to let my feelings run me. Or trying to let my fears overcome me. I have been reading a lot of positive books to help me just have faith, and hope, and confidence that this will work.

These feelings are real. They are true. And I can almost guarantee that any woman who has gone through a miscarriage (and knew about it) or a loss has felt these feelings one time or another when they found out they were expecting again. It is so hard to get excited for something that can easily just disappear. It is so hard to want to open yourself back up for the possibility to be broken hearted again. I literally had a cry fest and lost it when I was in my docs office. Because I told him I was so scared for the same thing to happen to me again. I didn't and don't want to go through that again, nor do I want to almost lose my life again.

If you have friends who have gone through a miscarriage or loss, they might not tell you until they are much further along about the fact that they are expecting. I only did, because of what I do. And honestly, I hate having to cover up how my workouts have been suffering  because I am exhausted, or I am so sick to my stomach. So for me it was only natural to let everyone know so early. Plus, we really feel it is important to honor every pregnancy no matter how long because it took us so long to get pregnant. It truly is a blessing that I can get pregnant naturally now.

If you have friends who are pregnant again, support them. Be excited for them. Because they are scared. They need someone strong for them, to believe that everything is going to be ok, even though they don't believe it themselves. Talk with them. Encourage them to get out, exercise, eat healthy. Not to stay in. Because that can cause them to reflect on their pregnancy and former loss. Oh and yes, encourage them to go on a walk with you, or ask about exercise. Because they are not going to want to for fear that they are going to cause another miscarriage. The best thing they can do for themselves and baby, is to be as healthy as possible. I honestly believe, since this is now my 6th pregnancy, that if it is meant to happen, it will happen. There is nothing that I can do to stop a miscarriage.

For me I am just trying to take each day as it goes. Praying that I make it one more day and that the little soul inside of me is developing perfectly. That all will go well, and that we will get to meet our new baby in about 8 months from now.

Want more daily motivation and inspiration? Click here get free advice, support and encouragement + a free copy of my Clean Eating guide to help you get started on your health and fitness journey! 

Facing Fears

Yesterday was a rough day for me guys. I faced a huge fear of mine during my counseling session. And it is something that has come out during this whole process of the miscarriage. Because I was so close to it actually happening.

I faced my fear dead on. I am so scared of not being here for my family. My fear is, had I had died during the miscarriage. I had to face that today. We had to go back into it and talk through those feelings of sadness and grief and how close I really was. I even said, "I didn't want to go down that path because it scared me." Talking about me dying and not being here just broke my heart.

But you know what. I realized how much I love my family. I realized that I have a lot more work to do here in this life and that I am making my life count. I have my two amazing boys who need me. And my husband that loves me and wants me. I have friends that would miss me. I have lives that I am helping to change right now and countless future people that I know I am going to be helping that need me! I am so thankful that I am still here. That it wasn't my time and that I have found my purpose as a mother, wife, teacher and motivator.

I give all of myself in all that I do. Because we only have 1 life to live. Live it to your fullest. Every single day! And be thankful for the life that you do have. It has helped shape you into the person you are now!

Want more daily motivation and inspiration? Click here get free advice, support and encouragement + a free copy of my Clean Eating guide to help you get started on your health and fitness journey! Don't forget to follow me on INSTAGRAM and FACEBOOK!

Every Day Is A New Day

Just a few months ago I was in a deep depression, I didn't want to get out of bed. I was sad for losing my baby, I was sad that I was still here and I was MAD at what I had been through. I had gained weight during my recovery putting me back at my weight that I always give birth at. The heaviest I have ever been. It scared me. I felt like I didn't know where to start or what to do to get out of my huge blackhole I had built around myself. Until one day, I decided enough was enough.

I made a call and got in contact with someone to help me mentally. I decided too, to start exercising. It was hard. It hurt. My body was so mad at me because it didn't want to do it. But I realized that I needed it! It made me feel better. Happier. I could work out my frustrations through my exercise and I LOVED THAT! I craved it! Was I able to do what I could do before. NOPE! I had to take it slow and steady and MODIFY everything but the point is, I did it what I could and went from there. I also cleaned up my eating and stuck with more whole foods over processed foods. I am now down 15 pounds and this month is going to be the month that I will pass that 20 pound mark because I WILL be at my first weight loss goal by Thanksgiving! 25 pounds or more will be GONE!

What got me to where I am today? Support and daily motivation and encouragement. 30 minutes of daily exercise and super easy to follow nutrition that actually teaches you what your body needs to eat to lose weight without feeling hungry! I want to help you slim down BEFORE the holidays so that this year is the year that "lose weight" will not be #1 on your New Year's Resolution. You have the chance to lose 11-33 pounds by NEW YEARS! How different would you feel if you did that? How would the new year begin for you? Don't wait till after the holidays. Set the bar now on how you want to live your life! 

Want more daily motivation and inspiration? Click here get free advice, support and encouragement + a free copy of my Clean Eating guide to help you get started on your health and fitness journey! Don't forget to follow me on INSTAGRAM and FACEBOOK!

October is Infertility Awareness Month

I was reminded that October is Infertility Awareness Month. I have been through my own battle of infertility, which you can read about here, and it seriously saddens me how many of my friends are having infertility problems too. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy!

It is so hard to want and wish for something that is so profoundly right and good, to want to have children and not be able to have them. Often times I found myself comparing my situation to others or question what is going on. "Why can she get pregnant and I can't?" "She is only 16. Why is she able to have a baby?" "What did I do wrong?" I know and believe that it is truly God's timing in all things. And that if it is right it will happen.

I know it is so hard to sit and wait to be blessed with children. I did it for 8 years, trying, praying and hoping. Honestly, the best thing we can do as women with infertility is to work on us and be as healthy as possible so when it is our time to have a family (however that happens either through natural pregnancy, fertility treatments, surrogacy, or adoption) you are ready and prepared and HEALTHY. And someday, our families will grown and the sound of little feet will pitter and patter in our own homes. Stay strong! Don't lose the faith and believe!

Want to take that first step to getting healthy but don't know where to start? Follow me on FACEBOOK for daily motivation and tips. Send me an email or comment below and we can talk about how you can start. It is never too late to work on you. Use it as your outlet to help yourself feel better. But do it for your body so that it is working the best that it can. I blamed myself for my past miscarriage, saying that I wasn't as healthy as I should have been. And it was hard on me mentally. So put your body first. Babies will come. But you need to work on you first! 

And, of course, be sure to like our FACEBOOK page and follow us on PINTEREST for motivation, clean eating tips, and healthy lifestyle resources.

PCOS Awareness Month

I have been so hesitant to share what the actual cause of my infertility really is. I don't know why, considering I know so many women that are plagued with this syndrome and honestly I am just kicking myself right now. September was PCOS awareness month. That is the whole reason why I suffer from infertility. And it sucks. There are different types of PCOS infertility because trust me, talking with my friends we only one or two things in common with our infertility problems.

So my specific problem is that I do have polycystic ovaries. The docs call it a "ring of pearls" around both ovaries. Which make it difficult for me to get pregnant. I basically don't ovulate. At least I never did before I got pregnant with Mason. Hence why it took 8 years to get pregnant with him. Through fertility drugs. I also don't produce the hormones to tell my body, "HEY IT IS TIME TO MAKE AN EGG!" and "Hey it is time to release an egg!" Again this was all before Mason came around. What is interesting about pregnancies and PCOS is that pregnancies can jump start the system to functioning properly again. Which is what it did for me. But I have still had problems along the way with 3 miscarriages now.

Some facts I know about PCOS:

~Women with PCOS often have excess facial hair. Only because we have a hormone imbalance. Oh yeah, I have that too! I produce too much testosterone. Hence why I can squat my husband's weight easily! I am one strong cookie! and why I can build muscle easier than women without the syndrome.

~Worldwide, PCOS affects 6% to 10% of women, making it the most common eddocrinopathy in women of childbearing age.

~PCOS is the most common cause of ovulatory infertility.

~There is a lack of evidence that supports a very low carb or gluten free diet as an effective eating plan over other diets for women with PCOS.

~Regular exercise is an effective way to improve insulin levels in PCOS. Also docs have told me that if I just lose 10% of my body weight it will help increase the chances of getting pregnant naturally.

~Women with PCOS have a higher incidence of gestational diabetes, miscarriages, preterm deliveries, and stillbirths.

~It is estimated that 50-70% of women with PCOS have insulin resistance.

~The optimal treatment for PCOS is a multifactorial approach involving diet and lifestyle modifications and medications. ( I am not on any meds, and I won't go back on them cause they didn't help me one bit.)

These are just a few of the reason why I am doing what I am doing now to get healthy. Why I work so darn hard at trying to lose weight. Because I am already pre-disposed to being overweight, and PCOS makes it more difficult to lose weight because of the insulin resistance. I have how many of my friends are struggling with this same issue. It breaks my heart how common this syndrome is and left untreated it can get worse and lead to other diseases. I will not let that happen to me. I am fighting every day to win this battle. But it is a fight that I must take every single day of my life. Especially if we are to get our little girl here..

The news about this should get out! I wanted to share this with you and should have done more during the month of September. But I didn't. But I am asking now that you show your support of PCOS by commenting and sharing this post with your friends and family. Help other females know that they are not alone in this battle. That there are others just like them. And together we can kick some PCOS ASS! Help spread the word!

More information about PCOS can be found here. Show your support! Thanks!


And, of course, be sure to like our FACEBOOK page and follow us on PINTEREST for motivation, clean eating tips, and healthy lifestyle resources.

My Journey

It has taken me a while to finally finish and get the courage up to post this video, but I AM DOING IT! I'm not trying to brag about what I have accomplished. I am not trying to make anyone feel badly. I am doing it to show you that you can start at any time to take back your life. You don't have to wait until you are at the lowest of the lows. If you feel that little urge telling you, that you need to change something. Just do it. Your body knows when it is ready. Your heart knows too. Sometimes your head will agree with it too, but often our own insecurities about past performances is what holds us back.

Done a diet and weight loss plan before but it didn't work? That's ok. I bet you learned something from that experience. Try changing your routine, but quickly fell into the same habits from before? That's ok, all you need is someone to help support you and give you motivation. I have been there. Felt like I have done it all but the one thing that changed it all, was support and motivation and finally believing in me that I could do it! Send me an email and we can talk about your goals and what has worked before and what hasn't! You don't have to go through this alone! We can do it together, and before you know it you are going to have a pretty amazing journey too!

Check out my video below to watch my journey!

And, of course, be sure to like our FACEBOOK page and follow us on PINTEREST for motivation, clean eating tips, and healthy lifestyle resources.

You Are Not Weak For Crying

Yesterday was a really powerful day for me. It started as any normal day. Getting up and getting Mason ready for preschool and breakfast made. I needed onions for my breakfast and started cutting into a nice huge onion. And then that familiar burning and stinging and crying happened from the onion. I finished chopping, washed my hands and just felt empty and hallow. And the tears kept coming and coming. I just felt drained. On the way home from dropping Mason off at school again I felt empty and hallow. I was grieving knowing that my due date was any day and it wasn't going to happen.

I knew this day was going to happen. At some point. I didn't know when or how or anything but I knew I would have a breakdown day. The tears kept coming and coming. Those hot and heavy tears full of sorrow and pain. I called Matt and told him I was having a bad day and I couldn't stop crying. 20 minutes later he walked in the door with a flower, strawberries and of course chocolate! (I have done pretty good though not eating the chocolate!)

He held me as I continued to cry. Normally when I am in pain or sad or crying I push everyone away. But not today. I let him hold me. Counseling has helped. I am letting people in! The tears didn't stop. I just kept crying. Anytime I thought I would be done I wasn't.

Matt picked Mason up from lunch and we had lunch. Kids went down for a nap and Matt sent me up for one too! Thankfully it was a Wednesday and I had my weekly counseling session. I didn't get ready. I didn't change clothes. I just went puffy swollen face and all. Talked through it. And felt lighter and so much better. I finally stopped crying uncontrollably after my session. Matt and I talked about my session and we just grieved together yesterday.

So thankful to my husband for just dropping what he was doing to take care of me. His work is so important but he still took care of me. I also realized that yesterday that I hadn't let all my feelings out. That I was still bottling them in and they just exploded yesterday. and it is okay!

Crying is not a sign of weakness. And for years I always thought it had. For me it just meant that I was holding too many things in at once and something had to give!

Hope

This past Saturday I finished my fourth piano solo composition. Bet you didn't know that I have actually dabbled in writing music? I am not a mastermind at music composition but I just write what comes to me and take it from there. Sometimes I hear a melody and I can get swept up in it and write a decent amount of music in a day, or sitting and that is really what happened with this one. It has been on my mind almost every day since I started it. I started writing again, a brand new song, on the 30th of August. And now less than 30 days I have completed it.

I have titled it Hope, or A Mother's Hope (still deciding). It really is about my roller coaster of a ride with having babies. All the struggles and joys I have experienced.

I was inspired to finish it when my sister in law had her baby. A red headed little girl. Which is what I always imagined my baby girl would be. I am not going to lie. I am jealous, I am sad. My due date was actually this coming Saturday on the 26th. My sis-in-law and I were both expecting at the same time. And it is hard knowing that she has her little girl and I don't... yet. I know this might seem petty, and I am not writing this to get pity or make my sister in law feel upset for having her baby, or anyone else for that matter. I am saying this because it is normal and natural to experiences these feelings of jealousy, anger, frustration, and sadness. It is ok to feel these things. And don't let anyone tell you different! It is also about how we express those feelings. Being angry at our family or anyone because they have something you don't is not the best right. The feelings need to be talked about, expressed and released. I needed to get those feelings out and I did it through my music. I was bawling my eyes out when my music took a turn I wasn't expecting. Mimicking the sadness and grief I felt when I lost her. But the end is so hopeful. I know that someday when the time is right she will join our family. This is not in my control. I am on God's timeline and at this point, I am hopeful that someday she will be with us. When that will be? I have no idea but I have hope that she will be here when it is her right time.

I am thankful that I have the talent to be able to play my feelings out. Holding them in is the last thing I want to do. I have to let them out. In any way I can. Music, art, dancing anything creative that you can do to help you express those feelings so that you can feel free, lifted and just at peace with what is being thrown your way. Trust in yourself and in God that you can get through this and you will. I am so happy for my sister in law and her family for her little girl making it safely here. Babies are a miracle no matter what! It is hard work making a baby!

My Running Troubles

As you have probably noticed. I haven't blogged in awhile. I'm sorry that I left you all hanging. I have been deal with some hard stuff lately. And I finally decided it is time to get it off my chest and share with you what's been going on.

This blog was mainly started around me and my running and what running has done for me. It has since morphed into general health and wellbeing which is great but I have been so ashamed because I have been having such a personal emotional time dealing with my love of running lately.

I have major PTSD right now in regards to my miscarriage. I always thought PTSD was for people in the military or who have gone through other things in life. But never in regards to a miscarriage. But I do. And it is so freaky! I have nightmares of the day, I have flash backs. The scary thing for me  is I get panic attacks and get anxious when I think, talk or do some of the things that took place the day of my miscarriage. It is a real thing guys! I can't breath and I start to freak out. I look for a way to escape. I have been having panic attacks on my Saturday walks. I am usually talking with another lady and try to just let it be but 2 weeks ago I was looking for a way out. The "safety" car. By the time it came around I was better but it freaked me out that 5 months after my miscarriage this is still happening. I thought I would be better by now. But I am not. I am still working with my counselor and we are making progress but I am still working through it. Here is the thing though, I know that it was completely out of my hands and that I lost the baby but just things that took place are coming to light in what happened and how close I was to not being here. It is starting to catch up with me now. And I am coming up on my due date. So that isn't helping much either.

And it isn't just with running, I was cleaning up after having guests last week and I started getting all anxious and nervous because it was during cleaning up after guests that I started my miscarriage. I even get anxious at church and in other areas. I feel so embarrassed for feeling this way, and I find myself shamming myself. I should be better! It wasn't my fault But I am not. I am not always happy, and positive because I am human. I have been through very traumatic experience and it has made a huge dent in my life.

What is cool though is that I haven't given up on exercise or me. I still am doing my daily workouts, and I am clean eating. I am working on me mentally too to help me stay positive and see the good in all situations. And I don't have bad days anymore. I just have bad moments in my day which is so amazing! I just can't do running right now, and that is ok. I will get back into it. Will it sucks starting over AGAIN! You bet!!! But I have to work on me mentally first before I can put my heart and soul into something that I love, which is running.

A Little Perspective

I finally uploaded my pictures from my phone to my computer. There were a ton of pictures but these two kind of caught my eye. I forgot that I took a picture of myself after the miscarriage to show how white I was after everything and the blood loss. But here it is. 

On the left is me at 7:17am on March 21st volunteering for the 10 miler and on the right is me at 5:33pm on March 22nd. That night of the 21st I went through the absolute worst experience of my life. And almost lost my life. But here I am despite all of what happened, still smiling. Putting on a brave face. That's who I am. I find the good in all things. I was still alive. And I was thankful for it. 

I have come a long way mentally and physically since the 22nd. I don't blame myself anymore for the miscarriage. I am still learning to accept and cope with it. Can't do anything about it now. Just keep moving forward. But now I am taking care of my body and my life so that I am as healthy as I can be for the next time I do get pregnant. 

I am drinking a daily drink that fills my body with vitamins and minerals and superfoods that give me energy to keep up with my 2 beautiful boys. I am exercising daily for only 30 minutes. And I am reading personal development for both spiritual and mental well being. I am dedicating my life to helping others reach their personal goals and I am loving every minute of my life right now! I am still alive. And I am so thankful for that.

If you need that extra little bit of motivation in your life to reach your goals, no matter how big or small and willing to make a small investment in your health, just let me know! I am starting my next private fitness support group on July 1. I would love for you to join me! Comment below or message me. We can do this together! 

A Little Grain of Faith

I am so thankful for the chance that we have to have faith in something. To have faith in ourselves, our situation and our circumstances. And seriously our faith can be bigger than your fear. This morning I have been talking with a woman about wanting more children. But it might not happen. I am in the same place. I was told that I could have more children, but what if I don't? Am I ok with that? I am still working on the answer, but I have faith that we have one more child meant to come to our family. I have so much faith in general. About my life, family and businesses. I put all my faith in front of me right now it seems.

I am not saying that I am perfect. No way, no how. But I know that if something is meant to happen that it will. I have always believed that. It took us 9 years to get Mason. To get my first positive pregnancy test. After my second miscarriage, I lost my faith. I didn't want to believe anymore because it was too hard. But I got stronger and started having faith again.

I was reminded of one of my favorite talks today and encourage you that if you just need a little ounce of faith building today read it. Listen to this talk. Know that you are not alone. Know that we all struggle with something. Exercise is so hard. Changing your diet or lifestyle is so very hard. Losing a child or family members is devastating  Dealing with the kids. Not having children. Finding a job or switching jobs. Struggling with a family member who has lost their way. And a thousand more things. The key though getting through your tough times, your challenges, your trials is to keep your faith. As hard as it is sometimes that little grain of faith is all we have. But you have to keep moving on. Let your faith be stronger than your fear of not moving forward. Of trying that hard exercise. Of changing your lifestyle. Keep your faith.

If you have a few minutes to watch this and need a booster in your faith, please check this out. I so encourage you to take just a little bit of time and check out the following video. It is amazing and helps to remind me that I am not alone in my struggles.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder

I mentioned this in a previous post that I was having some serious body dysmorphia. Here is what it is. *Please know I have not been clinically diagnosed with this disorder but it is a real thing. I have been like this before.* Basically is is body shamming of your own body. Where you spend a substantial amount of time a day thinking about the flaws of your body and how to hid or improve them. You see your body in a negative light regardless of how it really is. You can't see yourself correctly. I feel like I am looking in a fun house mirror right now and I have been trying to avoid the mirror at all costs.

Since the miscarriage I have been so disappointed with my belly size. It has been a constant reminder of what is not growing in there any more. My scale was broken so I couldn't be obsessed with my weight, which is a good thing but nothing fits me right anymore.

Before going to the gym I have been changing my shirts multiple times trying to find one that would "hide" my belly more so I wouldn't look as bad as I think I do. None of my pants fit and all my shirts are too tight in the belly and I don't want to wear my maternity shirts anymore because I can't handle it.

I spoke with a counselor the other day on the phone because I needed to speak with one and her first question, "How are you feeling?" "FAT" is how I responded. Seriously the first thing out of my mouth was be belittling my body.

I have been like this before and I learned to love my body for me. Seriously. I do love my body. It has done amazing things. I have done a 1/2 marathon. Trained for a 10 miler. I have carried and birthed 2 healthy boys. I have nursed for 27 months now (not all in a row of course.) It is amazing but I am not happy with the shape of my body and how I look. People have been telling me, "It's ok. You were pregnant. It is going to take time to get back to normal." But what do you do when you can't fit anything? Yoga pants everyday? Yep, cause that is all that fits. And skirts.

It is not ok to hate your body. We all have flaws. And it is ok. I will forever have stretch marks from when I gained weight too fast before I even had any kids. On the flip side, I have a killer smile that I LOVE! I have a fun loving personality and I love teaching. So now that I recognize that I have a problem with how I have been looking at myself it is time to turn it around and do something about it!

One thing that I do know, is that if I am truly so displeased with my body shape than I can do something about it. Exercise. And eating better. That will help my body shed the weight but it will take work. And that is exactly what I need right now. I need some busy work to get me to lose this weight. It's ok to want to make yourself healthy but to do it in a healthy manner. Hating yourself and feeling completely disgusted with how you look is not healthy. You can talk to someone, you can talk to me and we can work through it together.

Goals:
~Speak with a counselor to work through my miscarriage.
~Drink Shakeology everyday to get my superfood that my body needs to help me be as healthy as possible!
~Exercise 4-5 days a week. 2 days on cardio and 2 days on strength training specifically.
~Make smart eating choices. Smaller appropriate portions and eat more veggies.

If you want to join me in my journey to a healthy you, please let me know! I can start up a private Facebook group and we can do this TOGETHER! Email me at connectthedotsginger@gmail.com or comment below!

QOTD: Have you ever felt like this? Not happy with something about you? What did you do to overcome the feelings?

Next Steps...

In an effort to keep this as real as possible and as honest with you guys as possible I wanted to share what has been going on with me over the past few weeks. You know about the miscarriage and all and that I have had a hard time mentally. I have finally decided to seek help with whatever mentally I am going through. It is through the urging of friends and family, especially my husband because I am not getting any better. If anything I am more distant and just keeping more to myself.

I am pretty sure I have some sort of postpartum depression or PTSD. But I don't feel right. I know that for sure and it is time to talk to someone to help me work through this. What made me realize that something was wrong is I have a major feeling of disconnect. I look forward to the times in the day that I get to myself so I can just watch a TV show or go into my books and escape from reality. I also have been more overwhelmed and I am quick to lose my cool with the kids. I already have a short fuse being a red head and all but I am having to rein in my frustrations a lot more than usual.

But the thing that is worrying my family the most is the disconnect. I can hardly handle touch sometimes. My skin just crawls and I should never feel like that. Speaking of skin, I have major body dysmorphia going on as well. Where I am just body slamming my body because it is a constant reminder that I am no longer pregnant. All I see is my bell that is sticking out too much for no excuse now. There is no baby in there. I gained too much weight I keep thinking, while I actually on gained 5 lbs.the first 3 months of pregnancy.  That's it. But all I see is frustration in myself and the fact that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin or my clothing. And now the though of how in the heck am I going to lose all this weight!

So now I am looking for a counselor to speak with to help me through this. I have worked with one other counselor before a few years ago. And it helped. For the most part. But this, I don't really know where to begin. I feel like I have too many problems going on. So it will be interesting with how it goes and how long I will see them. But I am getting the help that I need. And want. Thanks for listening friends!

If you missed my previous posts about my miscarriage, you can view them here:

Our Loss

Blessing In Disguise

Make You Or Break You: Emotions of a miscarriage

Training Begins

So I am saying that my training for my half marathon this fall begins yesterday! Yep, I am definitely thinking that I will be doing my 2nd half marathon this fall. And why start yesterday? Because I honestly think it will take me that long to get me in running shape. So sad, but I have to start somewhere and yesterday was that somewhere.

I went to the gym. Ideas of grandeur were in my mind as to what I was going to do. I was going to just walk at about 3.7 on the treadmill, like I always do, for 30 minutes. Then do 30 min of the elliptical.

Things didn't go as planned. I started at 3.5 for warm up and I could already feel it. My heart rate was getting high and making me out of breath. I then went up to 3.7 and used the heart rate monitor on the machine and my pulse was above 160. Nope. Time to slow it down. So I just continued at a leisurely 2.8-3.5 pace the whole time. Increasing the pace for a couple of minutes then backing it down for a couple of more. I made it 30 minutes. And just over 1.75 miles. But I was worn out. Sweaty and breathing like I just ran 2 miles. So my starting point. Walking at an 18:30 min mile pace. UGH! Hate that but at least I can only get better. And I skipped the elliptical. I did 30 minutes. I did well for my first day back.

Goals for this week. 2 days of strength training and 3-4 days of cardio. 1 day down only a few  more to go! Here we go! LET THE TRAINING BEGIN!

It's Running Time...Almost

~Whew! I need to look into a wrinkle cream because I am looking my age! Unintentional photo bomb by Mason!~

Yesterday I got the all clear to start normal activities again. Doc is happy with my physical progress and says that everyday will get better with the mental progress. But there will still be good days and bad days.

I told him about my cleaning frenzy and how that is how I am getting my anger/frustrations out. He said to divide up the energy towards cleaning the house and running/exercising. Funny thing, most of  my appointments are spent talking races. My doc casually says today, "I think I am going to do the park to park race this weekend just for fun..." Yeah cause running a whole marathon takes no effort at all. My doc is pretty awesome because he will be up most the night delivering babies and wake up at 5 am to do an 18 mile run, for fun. And he needs the break to clear his head too I guess.

He encouraged me to keep signing up for races and just to keep on doing it. He loves that I enjoy running and thinks it is just an overall great thing for me to do. However, I am still a little anemic so for the next 2 weeks he said light exercise. No sprinting exercises (like I do that anyway!) And that if I get light headed, dizzy or out of breath than I am pushing too hard. Here is to 2 weeks of light exercise then off I go. I have got to get run ready for the woman's 4 miler training program that begins in like 6 weeks! EEK! Oh and I decided that I will be running my 2nd half marathon this fall. So my training will ultimately be for the 1/2 in November. YEA! Start the countdown to kicking my own butt!

~Pix above is me excited about getting to get back to it and not be stuck in my house! I also did my hair differently. I have never curled it like this (excpet for family pictures) but I thought I would try something new. I didn't get it cut. Honestly, I need a change and I don't want to cut it and I am getting to that awkward "funky length phase" for growing out my hair! So what do you think on the hair? Yea or Nay???~

Infertility Awareness Week

We are currently in the middle of infertility awareness week and I have had a hard time getting up the strength to continue to talk about it at this time. I have been pretty open, but to be honest I am still learning to cope with what I went through. Multiple miscarriages is still considered infertility problems.

I am talking with others and trying to work through my feeling and emotions. I am keeping a journal right now that is just an ongoing non stop journal. I have titled it The Ramblings After A Miscarriage. I just recently showed it to my hubs and had him read it.

But yesterday evening just before I put the kids down for bed. I read this article. I couldn't even get through it without balling. I tried reading it out loud for Matt to hear and I just lost it. It pretty much sums up what I needed to hear right now. Especially the Create Space section.

I have had it in my mind that by such and such a date I should be all better. No more bleeding, no more running out of energy. No more dizzy spells or getting out of breath. And learning to deal with what I have already been through before. I put this time table on WHEN I SHOULD FEEL NORMAL. And honestly, I am past that "date" and I am frustrated. I am done feeling weak, broken. I just want to be normal but I still need time. Mentally and physically. It sucks. But there it is. It just takes time.

So please read this article to show your support for Infertility Awareness Week. Let me know what you think in the comments below! 

Please know I am so grateful for all of your support through prayers and emails or messages I have received. It has meant to so much to me. You are all amazing!

5 Minute EASY Chair Workouts

I can't do squats or lunges, it gives me that wonderful WOOZY feeling that I am just getting accustomed to, but I need to keep up the strength in my legs. Wanna see what I did today to help me out? Here ya go! No squats or lunges here people. Safe exercises that weren't heart racing cardio workouts that would make me pass out.

On a bright note. I can't bend over to pick things up. Does that mean that I just let my living room that is scattered with toys stay a mess? YEP! And I am ok with that. Thankfully today, Mason decided it was a good day to help me out and pick up all the toys. So thankful for his "good days."

Waiting Game

~Tick tock goes the clock~

2.5 weeks since my miscarriage and I feel like I am just in a constant state of waiting. Waiting to feel better. Waiting to finally start exercising. Waiting to just feel NORMAL!

Recovery update: 2 days ago is when I finally feel like I am feeling somewhat "normal" again. I still get a little dizzy if I do too much too quickly. I am basically doing normal activities and household chores again, but at a much slower pace. I have to make myself remember to slow down. It is making my cleaning maybe a little bit more thorough though which is nice.

What I am doing: I have started adding in simple squats. Not a lot but just just like 3-5 at a time a couple of times a day. I am cleaning the house too which also burns calories. Oh and today, I am painting our bathroom. I had originally planned on doing our bathroom and our bedroom but scaled back to just our bathroom.

Don't worry about me. I am listening to my body and if it doesn't feel right. I stop. No questions asked. Oh and I am still drinking my green juice. (chlorophyll water)

I am hoping next week to start taking short walks with the boys around the neighborhood. This re-building blood thing is no joke! I am just thankful that I am here to do the laundry, clean the house and even paint my bathroom.

And a huge thank you to all that have helped us with words and emails of encouragement, advice, prayers, food, entertainment for our kids and even cleaning my house and doing my laundry. I am so humbled by all the loving support that we have received. Thank you friends!

Building Red Blood Cells

As you know from the miscarriage I lost a lot of blood. And I didn't need/get a transfusion of blood. And since I am not a vampire, Tru Blood is not recommended for me! My body is doing it all on its own. Sad thing, it will take me about 3 weeks to regain all the blood that I lost. 3 WEEKS of feeling out of breath, and every time I go up and down the stairs I feel like I am running up stadium hill. (A beast of a hill here in C-ville). My doc's main orders were to take my antibiotics for possible infection and take iron pills. 3 times a day.

Why is iron so important? Iron plays an essential role in the transportation of oxygen to the blood. Symptoms of iron deficiency include weakness (check), fatigue (yep), shortness of breath (yep have that too) and decreased immunity (might have that but have been on drugs to stave off infection so don't know!)

Well I have gone a bit more granola in my iron consumption. I have the supplements if I need them but here is what I have been doing. (my doc fully supports me doing what I am doing and thinks it is awesome that I am thinking outside the box and more natural! Always confer with your doctor.)

Chlorophyll- Yes you read this right. Chlorophyll, plant blood as I have been calling it, is amazing at building back red blood cells. I specifically have been taking Chloroxygen drops in my water. It turns my water a dark shade of green and has a mild taste. It isn't that bad. Here is some research we found about this specific product. I have been drinking large mugs of water each day and I really think this is what has helped me feel so much better as quickly as I have. (my doc actually said it is awesome to take after a long run because it helps to re-oxiginate your blood. And obviously after having a baby where there is some blood loss as well.)

Black Strap Molasses- I have only take 1 dose of this and man it was hard to take straight up because it has a thick tar like consistency. And it is super, SUPER sweet! Oh man it was sweet. Matt had me take a teaspoon straight up and I swear I had a headache that night from how sweet it was. But this is the kind we got. Organic has 24% iron in it.

Sunflower Seeds-A 1/4 cup serving of sunflower seeds dry roasted with salt contain 1.22 mg of iron. It isn't a whole lot but they sure taste yummy! 

Red Meat- Man I have been eating red meat galore it feels like. And I like it! We have been getting BBQ, or I ordered BBQ from a restaurant Monday night. And hamburger. And happily it was brought to our house last night for a meal from a neighbor! Yummy! 

Liver- Liver is high in iron but I couldn't do it. Nope, not me.

Green Smoothies- Using spinach and other fibrous greens are chalk full of iron of you.

I am also taking some of the left over encapsulated placenta I have left over from Collin. I didn't finish them off cause I had so many and was saving them for a rainy day. Rainy day has come. The main thing I am doing is listening to my body. I don't push too hard because I feel like crap when I do. And it really sucks feeling out of breath all the time. I just want to get better and that means that I have to take it easy, listen to my body and allow it the time it needs to recover. That means no 5 mile walk this weekend. As much as I would love to, it would probably do me in. So more rest and recovery and soon enough I will be back at it and getting back to being fit! 

Have you ever tried any of these natural iron supplements?