Monday, September 21, 2015

Hope

This past Saturday I finished my fourth piano solo composition. Bet you didn't know that I have actually dabbled in writing music? I am not a mastermind at music composition but I just write what comes to me and take it from there. Sometimes I hear a melody and I can get swept up in it and write a decent amount of music in a day, or sitting and that is really what happened with this one. It has been on my mind almost every day since I started it. I started writing again, a brand new song, on the 30th of August. And now less than 30 days I have completed it.

I have titled it Hope, or A Mother's Hope (still deciding). It really is about my roller coaster of a ride with having babies. All the struggles and joys I have experienced.

I was inspired to finish it when my sister in law had her baby. A red headed little girl. Which is what I always imagined my baby girl would be. I am not going to lie. I am jealous, I am sad. My due date was actually this coming Saturday on the 26th. My sis-in-law and I were both expecting at the same time. And it is hard knowing that she has her little girl and I don't... yet. I know this might seem petty, and I am not writing this to get pity or make my sister in law feel upset for having her baby, or anyone else for that matter. I am saying this because it is normal and natural to experiences these feelings of jealousy, anger, frustration, and sadness. It is ok to feel these things. And don't let anyone tell you different! It is also about how we express those feelings. Being angry at our family or anyone because they have something you don't is not the best right. The feelings need to be talked about, expressed and released. I needed to get those feelings out and I did it through my music. I was bawling my eyes out when my music took a turn I wasn't expecting. Mimicking the sadness and grief I felt when I lost her. But the end is so hopeful. I know that someday when the time is right she will join our family. This is not in my control. I am on God's timeline and at this point, I am hopeful that someday she will be with us. When that will be? I have no idea but I have hope that she will be here when it is her right time.

I am thankful that I have the talent to be able to play my feelings out. Holding them in is the last thing I want to do. I have to let them out. In any way I can. Music, art, dancing anything creative that you can do to help you express those feelings so that you can feel free, lifted and just at peace with what is being thrown your way. Trust in yourself and in God that you can get through this and you will. I am so happy for my sister in law and her family for her little girl making it safely here. Babies are a miracle no matter what! It is hard work making a baby!

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