Monday, August 24, 2015

My Running Troubles

As you have probably noticed. I haven't blogged in awhile. I'm sorry that I left you all hanging. I have been deal with some hard stuff lately. And I finally decided it is time to get it off my chest and share with you what's been going on.

This blog was mainly started around me and my running and what running has done for me. It has since morphed into general health and wellbeing which is great but I have been so ashamed because I have been having such a personal emotional time dealing with my love of running lately.
I have major PTSD right now in regards to my miscarriage. I always thought PTSD was for people in the military or who have gone through other things in life. But never in regards to a miscarriage. But I do. And it is so freaky! I have nightmares of the day, I have flash backs. The scary thing for me  is I get panic attacks and get anxious when I think, talk or do some of the things that took place the day of my miscarriage. It is a real thing guys! I can't breath and I start to freak out. I look for a way to escape. I have been having panic attacks on my Saturday walks. I am usually talking with another lady and try to just let it be but 2 weeks ago I was looking for a way out. The "safety" car. By the time it came around I was better but it freaked me out that 5 months after my miscarriage this is still happening. I thought I would be better by now. But I am not. I am still working with my counselor and we are making progress but I am still working through it. Here is the thing though, I know that it was completely out of my hands and that I lost the baby but just things that took place are coming to light in what happened and how close I was to not being here. It is starting to catch up with me now. And I am coming up on my due date. So that isn't helping much either.

And it isn't just with running, I was cleaning up after having guests last week and I started getting all anxious and nervous because it was during cleaning up after guests that I started my miscarriage. I even get anxious at church and in other areas. I feel so embarrassed for feeling this way, and I find myself shamming myself. I should be better! It wasn't my fault But I am not. I am not always happy, and positive because I am human. I have been through very traumatic experience and it has made a huge dent in my life.

What is cool though is that I haven't given up on exercise or me. I still am doing my daily workouts, and I am clean eating. I am working on me mentally too to help me stay positive and see the good in all situations. And I don't have bad days anymore. I just have bad moments in my day which is so amazing! I just can't do running right now, and that is ok. I will get back into it. Will it sucks starting over AGAIN! You bet!!! But I have to work on me mentally first before I can put my heart and soul into something that I love, which is running.

3 comments:

  1. Oh sweetie! I've been going through the same thing for years, not because of a miscarriage, as not because of the military, because of a very abusive relationship. Get some lavender, it'll calm your nerves. When you're having a flashback, look in the mirror and breathe. I don't know why it works...it's like it brings you back to reality or whatever. RELAX. Not like stop working out or anything, just make sure you have time to rest. Stress makes it worse. Just keep breathing...it'll pass. Mine's a LOT better now. It's going to be OK, just keep breathing and take a breath when you need to. Take care of yourself. It's going to be OK

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    Replies
    1. Erin, thank you so much for your support and advice. I will definitely try it out next time I have an attack. I love lavender to help me and I forgot to think of it! Thank you so much!

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  2. You are a strong, beautiful woman. Life is hard; I hate that you are going through this, but I do admire you for sharing your story and not giving in to the dark stuff that keeps floating to the surface. I think as women we are programmed to stuff things inside and smile no matter what, and that just doesn't always work. You take care of you... the way you take care of your friends and family.

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